Month: February 2014

I have learned a few basic concepts along the journey of life.  One is that somewhere in between two sides of a story is the truth and both versions are factual to their authors through the eye of perception.

When I receive an email from a teacher telling me my kid has been rude or disrespectful my initial response is one of concern.  I assure the teacher this sort of behavior will not be tolerated and that they have my support.

By the time I’ve heard my kid’s account of what occurred, I am on the defense and ready to attack, motherly claws fully extracted (I might have even made a few teachers cry and one quit, but thats another story).

I do tell my kids when in these circumstances that their lives will be full of relationships that have conflicts – school, sports, neighborhood, work etc.  As much as I am their greatest defender, ready to fight to the death for them, I also have to enable them to fight their own battles.

In a way this is one of the toughest challenges of parenting.  I feel we are very much in a culture now that has produced accommodated children who expect a lot for a little.  I can remember when my oldest was very young, pushing him in a shopping cart through a store and noticing something on the shelf he would like.  Before I could reach for it, he pointed and asked for it.  I said, Oh honey, I wish you hadn’t asked for it – I wanted to get it for you but you have to learn not to ask and expect – now if I get it you’ll think you can have everything you want.

That was hard for both of us.

Today I want to write a scathing email back to one of his teachers.  Ok, I mightve actually already wrote it, and I want to send it.  But I talked to him about it.  I want us to make the decision together and I want to put some of it on him.

I told him sometimes you have to work the system.  It is not always about being right or wrong.  It is not always about appearing to win.  Ask yourself what we might accomplish.   Silence is at times the victor.  I told him to learn how to change the perception of him if it is false, and to alter his mannerisms.

If you think about it, highschool is the ultimate training tool for life – seven different teachers, and hundreds of classmates.  Soooo many personalities.  Most of the teachers want to be in charge, that’s their job.  They have hundreds of different characters to try to control and get through their lessons as quickly as possible to move on to the next class.

They might make the logical assumption that a mumble under one’s breath is a rude comment, but maybe it was a prayer?  Maybe the kids talks to themselves to manage stress?  What they think is less important than how you react to them.  This will happen again and again in your lifetime, so, figure out how to not let it beat you.

So while all the other mommies are running to the school to say  “You were mean to my kid” or “Make things easier for him” – I’m looking at my kid and saying “Today we are faced with the age old problem of an a$$hole.  It will not be the last time you deal with this.  The world is full of them, a) don’t be one of them and b) don’t let them bother you.  Use it as a tool to make you stronger.”

So yea, you can tell yourself, “That person is a tool”

😉 Done.

Teenager son has his girlfriend over for Valentine’s day.

They exchange gifts and watch tv & hang out.

I make a nice dinner & a cake.  All is well.  They head down to watch a movie.

I don’t hear for them for a while.

Im in bed watching tv w my younger son.  My husband walks in w a serious look on his face.

“He cant be in there, especially with the door closed”  He points to our son’s room.

“Then knock on the door and tell them to come out”

Knock knock

“Hold on I’m naked”

My life flashes before my eyes and I die a thousand deaths.

He strolls out with his shirt off.

I’m pretty sure something of epic proportion is about to unfold.

“WHAT”

“WHAT”

“What the freaking hell boy why don’t you have your clothes on and where is she”

“She’s gone, she’s been gone, her mom picked her up”

And we all had a giggle.  And I am  having a glass of wine now.

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<3

It wasn’t that being Just Your Mom wasn’t enough.  It wasn’t that it wasn’t hard enough or important enough.  It wasn’t that it didn’t bring enough challenge or fulfillment.  I don’t know why I couldn’t just do that.  Every stay-at-home/full-time parent will say it is a fulltime job. Nurse, chauffeur, referee, maid, counselor, chef, tutor, etc.  Ive read all the pieces that list all the things a parent needs to do…its ALL real, I get it, I do it too, all of it – and work – and run.

And that is who I am and if that is selfish – and by definition it really is – for that I am sorry, for all the times I wasnt there – for all the times I was on the computer – for all times I was on the trail or on the course.  All that, past, present and future.

I’m sorry that when we had a roof over our heads in a beautiful home in a great neighborhood, and I didn’t have to work – or go to school – all I had to do was care for you and our home – I failed.

I didn’t have to go back to college or get a job or start a company or run a bunch of marathons – but I did.  And I still do.  And I don’t do any of it to impress anyone or gain any sort of recognition or acceptance or glory.  Its who I am.

Its not a society thing or a culture thing or any sort of pressure from anyone.  It was just me. And thats ok.

You never became less of a priority – nothing ever came before you – not really, no actually.  I just did other stuff too.  I hope this makes sense my little buddies – someday – and I hope you NEVER ever ever feel like there is ANYTHING you cant do.  I hope I showed you that.

I just want to say sorry for that stuff boys.  And sorry to your dad too.  For going astray and being confused and just effing up all the way around.

And youre welcome.  Youre welcome for sacrifices that you didn’t ask me to make but I did.  Youre welcome for projects at school, for field trips, for parties, for all the regular duties and then some – and not a single bit of it would I go back and miss the chance to have done.  Nothing.

If the same old story is I worked out at 5am then travelled across the country, worked a few 12s in a row then jumped off the plane and got home just in time to attend a sporting event (that I barely made it to the last 5 mins of the last quarter) and then got up and did it all over again the next day – plus ran to the store to get the whatever you forgot you needed, even though I already drove 80 miles today for meetings – then we had to do homework – then we heated up one of the three meals I cooked over the weekend and wiped you off w a washcloths cuz it was already passed your bed time then…..

We had plenty of GREAT times.  Plenty of talks, plenty of card games, plenty of story times, plenty of laughter.  We let each other down – we stood up for each other.  We fight.  We hug.

We are family.

You guys are EVERYTHING that matters to me.  I’d give up anything you asked me to.

Thank you for not asking.  And tomorrow I run.

Love,

Mom

 

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Timing is EVERYTHING – and I don’t have the patience I used to have 😉

God’s timing is PERFECT – so if you’re claiming to be living in Faith – then start every day with a connection to Him, and then ‘hurry up and wait’.

Instead of waiting for something to come up or go wrong before you bother saying ‘Hello’ to God, start the day saying, ‘Thank you for a night of rest, and a new day to live.  Tell me what you’ll have me do today and guide me to serve you and stay in your will.’

Instead of ever fretting or worrying, Thank God in the face of every situation and for the way it is going to turn out in the end – know that you will do what He needs you to do and you’ll learn from it what youre supposed to.  When a situation occurs that you cant for the life of you figure out what your lesson was or purpose was, smile and thank Him for whoever was touched by it, and trust that even if you never know who it was or what happened, that God knows and it was all part of a magnificent plan.

Big things and small – maybe you picked up a piece of trash that someone else dropped, and no one saw you do it & no one thanked you for it – but what you didn’t know, is there was a small child around the corner who noticed and learned.  Or maybe you stepped out of line to let a parent with a bunch of monkeys crawling all over the place get ahead of you 😉

God is not a circus performer – He doesn’t have to gratify you on your demand or prove anything to you.  The promises have been made.  You either trust Him or you don’t, that is faith.  Stop asking why.  His ways are greater than yours and beyond your understanding – Omnipotence is power w no limits.  Trust that.

Psalm 27:11-14

Psalm 62:1-5

Psalm 130:5

Isaiah 64:4

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Today I ‘ran’ pretty slow up the mountain.  Here’s the story.

I told myself going into it that I need to do Repeats on this sucker as often and as long as possible at every [few and far between] opportunity between now and the Grindstone 100.  To finish the 100 in 30 hours, I’ll have to maintain an 18 min mile overall, so today, that was my goal, and I ended up doing a 16.  This is pretty good considering it was a mud slide because it has been either raining or snowing (and then melting) nonstop for weeks.

This also happens to be the very ‘hill’ (1,200 ft) that I fell on while training for my first attempt at 100k and broke my hand.  So – I have fear.  Now I’m not the type of person who lives by fear, but I am far more concerned about preventing a fall now than I ever was before the fall.  I used to just fall and get up all the time no big deal, all in.  The break was incredibly painful and it never healed properly because I had them put on a ‘removable’ cast so I could take it off to continue to train (my hand swell so I couldn’t run w the cast on).

Now know that when you fall, youre supposed to roll into it, but – on a trail like this with tons of boulders and rocks, its beyond counter-intuitive to throw your back or even head down on that surface.

So I didn’t push up the hill with all that I have got, and I certainly didn’t blast down.  I took the time to sit at the top and soak it all in.  Steve asked me if taking off in the middle of having a million things to do would make me happy.  It really, really did!!

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~Funny Story~

So, as you know, a third of the way through, I switched from 100 to 50.

Seven miles later, I was only three miles to the finish.  It is an uphill battle.

Along comes a jeep w a camera guy hanging out the window.

So I run, to look cool.

He says, “How do you feel?  You’re almost there!  GREAT job”

((why is he talking to me, I wonder))

“I feel like shiznit, thanks for asking.”

((I’m about to find out what is going on))

“How does it feel to be the #2 UROC100k female finisher – there is no one behind you for at least an hour”

“uh, what”

“That’s right, you will get the purse.  You are #2 and the finish is just around the bend”

Haha

Oh no, I have on a blue bib among all these 50kers, so, he thinks I am in second place.  This is live video coverage.  How far should I take this?

I explain to him what is going on.  He puts the camera down and looks a mix of disappointed and amused.

So yea, for a second,  I was that girl 😉

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I try to have meaningful conversations w my kids whenever possible.  I find that being stuck in a car is as good a time as any.  Ive always been blunt and honest w them, to the point, and looking for that ahha connect when all parties at the very least ‘get it’ even if they don’t agree.

I have found myself recently in an all too familiar situation where, to say the least, I need to decide how to react to betrayal, if you will.  Before I tread too far down the path of describing what is happening, I will get back to the topic at hand.

We’re in the car.  My child describes an unfair situation that occurred.  I often can draw sports parallels to life and start to travel that way…

But now this seems the perfect opportunity to explain whats happening currently ‘to me’ and engage my son to think about how I might handle it, so then we can turn it around on him.

‘What Mom – are you kidding?  Mess [that person] up.  Do what you can.  Why wouldn’t you?’

And I think of how to ignite the light.

‘Lets talk about Harry Potter.  Tell me about characters who could have [exposed injustices and achieved redemption] but didn’t, and why.’

((pause))

Dumbledore?

Yes.  That.  See.

‘This is not easy.  And therefore, it takes strength.’   Is anyone following me out there?

‘Even Snape had to be admired at the very last minute for not ever revealing all the things about himself that he could have, right?’

So yeah, there is a person, who is trying to bring down others to raise themselves up.  This is not a new or unique thing.  And then there are the people affected by this that aren’t getting the credit they ‘deserve’.

I have emails and date stamps and [insert forensic evidence], I can lock it away in a vault and let it out if/when necessary – but I don’t want to go straight to the firing squad.  I want to confront the person directly.  But not in a threatening way.  In a loving way.  And I will tell the person, ‘Guess what…..’

And then its on them.  And I’m ok w that.

And this, this judgment of how I am handling something – it comes after another episode of being critiqued by a teenager…

‘Mom, I don’t understand the point of having a company when half the stuff you do, you do for free, and you could be charging people’

‘Well buddy, if I’m making more than enough money over here, why not just help people over there?’

‘That is the opposite of common sense mom!’

Wow.  Ok.

‘Then I guess this is just one of those things that I wont bother explaining and someday, maybe, many years from now, you will come to me and tell me you get it.  Even if you never agree with it, you might understand it someday.  I feel blessed.  I am fortunate.  We are not suffering.  I like being able to help people just to help them and I’d like nothing more than to be able to do everything I do for free, just to be helpful.  I dream of that as a success more than I dream of being rich.  That is who I am.   That doesn’t mean I think people who would go a different way and take advantage of every chance to make every dollar they possibly could are bad or evil.  I’m not better than them and theyre not better than me.’

Then I get a blank stare and an eye roll.

I used to try very desperately to make everything make sense to everyone else – and now I just smile.  Does that make me an ‘old lady’

My work here is done 😉

And this – this is when I just go for a run, where I can be isolated and find meaning..  Because, I can.

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unreasonable within reason

I am not easily offended – not really, not anymore at least.  I am quick to react but as I mature, I have developed the ability to let my reactions cool down internally before making any sort of action.  In some cases what I end up doing is far less drastic, and in other cases I do nothing at all where a younger, sillier me might have wasted a great deal of energy making a point or putting on a show.

I wish a 20 year old me could talk to a 40 year old me and handle things better, but then, I guess the irony of that is that I needed to experience those 20 yrs to get where I am.  It only makes me look forward to a wiser and more peaceful version of myself in one or two more decades.  I hope at that time I have the physical stamina and ability to still actively be alive and not just a spectator.

Today when I read an article that someone posted which frankly was insensitive on so many levels – rather than point out those elements…I just felt a bit sad for the person and turned the page.  Maybe the person is so in need of feeling valued or justified that that desire overrides most everything else.  That makes me sad for them.  Ive been there.

It really is never too late to improve, and we are never without the need to do so.  As a parent, I can only hope to take this little seed and plant it for my kids.  That’s all I really care to do with it.

I think my mom and a small number of other folks who have known me as long as she has (and are still around to tell it), will agree that I’ve always been a bit on the ‘unreasonable’ side.  Call it anarchist or antiestablishmentism – always on the mission to prove something – especially if it seems impossible.  “OH, I CANT – watch me”  ((yawn)) I’m over it.

It is less of a mission now than it used to be, and more of a peaceful sort of acceptance.  Ive never really been ‘trained’ into anything the way rules might suggest most people have for that very reason – I have zero interest in doing or trying a great number of things that nearly everyone I know either does or at least has tried – and I very much attribute it to the fact that I was busy doing the opposite of whatever I was supposed to most of my life, especially my younger years.

Ive noticed though that for some reason my kids seem to want very much to fit in.  This is not uncommon at all, but is so opposite of me that I wonder what part of how I have attempted to raise them or what they’ve witnessed about me caused this – if anything.

*Have you ever wondered if you’ve given your kids everything you ever wished for as a kid disabled them from doing for themselves, or appreciating the things you do?

Sure I wanted to be wanted and accepted and all that crap – and who doesn’t prefer being liked or admired – or at least who hasn’t at one time or another?  That said, I am far less interested in impressing most everyone than I am in just peacefully existing now.

And so today I still want to run endurance races – the longer and harder the better – that is what I desire – and to stay fit and healthy.  I want to continue to live an un-prescribed, natural and holistic life.  I want stability more than I want success.  I want peaceful and fulfilling miles on trails more than I want more medals and bibs on the wall.

And more than anything – I want to continue to be loved and in love, for the second time around with my husband for as long as is meant to be – forever or until tomorrow, one moment at a time – And to watch my two sons realize the peace that comes with time, with experience – something that only life can teach them, no matter how many books they read or classes they take or lectures they hear.

Amen.

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insight

As I am organizing all of my thoughts from yesterday’s ‘break thru’ moment, I will attempt to articulate it all a bit more specifically.  I’m looking at and understanding our responses to rejection, insults and compliments – all equally powerful & challenging.

Not only have I been touching on this more and more frequently of late, it all just seems to really be coming together in an enlightening way.  So if my sharing helps anyone else in any way,  that would bless me.  Otherwise it should at least provide entertainment.

A natural response to correction or criticism is defensiveness and blame.

What if we just reacted by saying Thank you, considering the critique (not how it was delivered, its validity or source) – and reflecting on how we might make some sort of improvement of ourselves?

Often when someone compliments me – I have a habit of saying “Oh shutup”

What if I just said, Thank you – and left it at that – then took the time privately to thank God for whatever gift He gave me that warranted the compliment!!?

Consider both insults & compliments to be genuine, for whomever was used to deliver the message, it came to you for a reason – dont focus on who said it and how and why – just take away the message and use it to make you better!

And oh Rejection – the deepest seed of pain!

There is not a single person in this world or in my life who a) Knows me better than God or b) Is more important than Him or c) Has gone more for me than He has…

SO – since He not only didn’t reject me, but accepts me and DIED for me – then, if someone else rejects me, in any way at all – I still have a comfort and a peace bigger than any moment of sense of rejection.

People are afterall, self-focused and fickle.

I can look back over my life and see this as being the greatest area of challenge for me.  I can shamefully see behaviors where not only did I over react to criticism and praise – but I twisted around my passionate ‘need’ to NOT be rejected by creating scenarios where I was forcing people to CHOSE me over others.  It was very, very sick and unhealthy.

And as much as all the wellness and fitness stuff I obsess about is an overall good and positive thing – I need to step back and examine my motives and potentially scale back, at least for a minute.

I want to seek the right things and focus my effort and attention where it belongs.

I am presently in the midst of a situation that God has been telling me for a while was coming and how to handle it.  I have diverted back to old habitual conduct, of course, but then I see it – and I stop myself.  As hard as it is and will be – I have peace and I know that my character will be stronger when it is over.

Be well <3 K

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Thank you & I’m sorry

I may have just had the greatest prophetic epiphany of my lifetime.  Instead of wishing I’d known it prior to now and looking back with regret, I’m thankful I can live the next half of my life a truly better person.

Funny how I can see all the lessons and bible verses and ideas I’ve gathered over time all fall neatly into place.  I can also look back over the movie of my life until now, and see why I did things the way I did and understand it.  A ton of it I would do different and better now, but then – then I wouldn’t be who I am, and I wouldn’t have my life, so, I cant regret it, I just have to grow.

Thank you to every single person God has ever placed in my life for any period of time however long or short, however painful or pleasant.  You have all touched my life and made me who I am, and for that I am appreciative and I wouldn’t change a single moment.  Not a one.

Sorry to everyone I have ever caused any pain for – I’d say it wasn’t on purpose, but sometimes it was, and for that I am truly remorseful.

My recent weekend alone I heard a message from God, still and quiet, and I accepted it but hoped part of it wasn’t quite accurate.  I guess I still am a self-interested and weak creature, so, for that I confess I still hope there’s a tiny piece of the story yet to unfold in a much more favorable way – and yet, I have a peace – and that’s unshakable.

All I have to do now is just remind myself a couple thousand times per day that things are just as theyre supposed to be and smile.

I don’t know how running fits into all of this or if it is even necessary anymore.  It will just remain to be seen.  I have an odd excited feeling that I’m about to do something unexpected.

<3 K

 

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Keep on Doing Something !!

This time next week I’ll be 30 miles away from my 1,000^th mile of 2013 – easily achievable.  Its too bad I didn’t track all my training miles previously because I’m sure I average 1,000 miles yearly.

My last race of this year will be The Army Ten Miler, which will be the perfect 4 Year Runiversary celebration, as it was my first race ever in Oct ’09  😉

Athlinks.com has me noticing statistics and one interesting comparison between yrs is that although this year I have run more races than any other year (10), it was only 1 Full and 1 Ultra (all the rest 1/2s) –  whereas I did 2 Fulls, 1 50k and 1 50 Miler in 2011.

((Somehow, I hardly did anything in 2012 – only 1 Full and 1 Ultra))

It is an interesting thing balancing life – kids – marriage – business – running and EVERYTHING.

Its hard to say how many races I’ll end up doing in 2014, but I am sure that I’ve reached a point this yr where I am pretty over it – sick of driving – and yeah, sick of running.

As much as I find the ‘pressure’ of looming races a necessary evil to keep me on track, I’m looking forward to a break.  Not a ‘sit on the coach and gain 20 lbs’ kind of break, but one where I can have the freedom to do what I want, when I want for a bit.

I’m traveling a lot for work lately and can hardly keep track of where I am and where I need to be.  On the off chance I’m home on a weekend, I have all of my kids’ activities and I’m about to miss a pretty important one next weekend due to a race-related conflict.  Nevermind actually getting anything done around the house etc because running my own company AND having a full time job on top of it, finds me parked in front of one or two laptops whenever I don’t have my sneakers on ((or better yet, checking email while running)).

Its cool – I am not complaining, and am managing.  But still – I’m going to pick maybe 3 or 4 for 2014, races and that’s its.  I’ll keep exercising daily – I have a gym in my basement and belong to a gym in town (for some reason) – I accidently bought a new bike recently, so there’s plenty of options 😉

If you are training for something or working towards a goal – listen to yourself as much as you listen to all the advise out there – remember that plans are just guidelines.  Its not the law. If you have to make adjustments, that is OK.  If you miss a day or indulge somehow, make up for it later.   As long as youre doing something – YOU’RE DOING SOMETHING!!

<3 K

 

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My First Triathlon

So here is my official report from my first Tri today.

It was .6 miles open water swim, 16 miles bike, and a 5k run.  It was unseasonably cool, and rained lightly the entire day.  I was in the final wave, so I started nearly 2 hrs after the first wave, which wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be – I enjoyed cheering on all the people before me.

I will say that swimming in open water is nothing like a pool.  No floor to stand on, no wall to kick off, you cant see – and, there’s yucky grass and what not – lots of it.

All the breathing I’d practiced went out the window as I avoided being kicked and punched.  I swallowed so much water I was sick to my stomach.  My right calf ceased up something awful about a quarter mile into it.  I was relieved to get to the end of the swim and head to my bike, but I didn’t really run to it.

At transition all I wanted to do was get my helmet and shoes on so once I accomplished that, I didn’t grab my glasses or any fuel – nor did I even take a sip of my Gatorade.

Off I went on the bike that I should back up and tell you I actually purchased just last night on the way to the race.  Who does that – I don’t know – but I did.

The little bit of training I’d done was either on a mountain bike or a stationary bike, neither of which sufficed.  With no slicks experience and wet roads, I didn’t go nearly as fast as I could have – at least not on the down hills.

I will also say that I have literally run thousands of miles in the last few yrs, and I have never to my recollection experienced the sort of pain I did during and after the ride, not even after the JFK50 miler.  I had the bike dealer dial in an adjust the bike but the seat must have been too low or something because my knees about killed me the entire ride.

Then it was time to run – my thing – I got this.

And honestly I was the ONLY person running – at least I was the only person who never walked – hills and all.  All I kept saying in my head was this is not an ultra, this is not the mountains – this is nothing – get your ass going.  So I did.

I was happy to see Steve when I arrived at the finish, and the announcer said cool things about me.

I finished at ten under 3 hrs.  I am withholding an further comments regarding my desire to ever do this again, at least for now.  I will of course have to make good use of my brand new bike though, so, yeah #impulsive

😉

Alone but not Lonely

Funny just a couple of weeks ago I came across a verse that I have highlighted before over the years and then a friend mentioned the very same verse to me that day in response to something I was going through.  It was Matthew 6:33.

Today I went searching in the wrong place.  I searched for people.  One by one they rejected me.   They let me know in their own way that I was less important to them than other people or things.  These were people I would drop anything for to be with, and have done so over the years –  yet they weren’t interested in being with me.

When I mentioned it to Steve he told me to “stop seeking them”.  It was an interesting choice of words.  I thought of the verse again.

It was painful to have people that I care about reject me.  Most of the reasons didn’t even make sense.  But it makes sense now because God needed it to hurt for a reason.

Looking over my life I guess I’ve always been searching for attention and approval in one way or another.  And maybe we all do.

But rather than seeking it from the Lord we seek it from each other.  We try to do well at things to impress people and be admired.  The Lord doesn’t expect anything from us though.  He doesn’t require us to do any certain things in sports or work, or look a certain way.

But we’ve been created to be His.  We have an emptiness in us that we just try to fill up with everything else, when He is right there patiently waiting for us to fill that space up with Him and his Love.

So I am going to take this opportunity this weekend to be silent and alone with God.  No one else.

I know that everything I’m going through at the moment, like anything I have gone through in the past, will bring me to a better place.  And God had to show me that He was the only one who could get me there!

I am excited now & looking forward to something I was previously dreading.  Excited to seek first the Kingdom and His Righteousness & all you need will be added to you.

No matter what time I cross the finish line, this is going to be my best race ever.  Just me and God and tens of thousands of faces that dont know me – and thats ok.

 

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why

This week, two people, one who has known me for over twenty years, and one who has pretty much known me longer than anyone – told me some rather pointed yet accurate things about myself.

It was more like observations than notifications but all the same, it was impactful because normally people are so confident about their erroneous opinions of me, particularly if theyre trying to be deep or analytical.

I normally just smile and roll my eyes.  Its never surprising and yet disappointing.

Without getting into it all too detailed, I’ll say, the first person pointed out my need to overdo everything I do, from running to work –  to a great extreme in an attempt to receive approval and attention.  This was undeniably accurate.

Oh a marathon – how about a 50k or better yet 50 miles – no wait – 100k…100 miles – a sprint tri, an ironman, how about…..you get it.   Don’t even get me started about my career…

Anyways – you ask me WHY I run – that’s why.  Why so far?  Why so much?  There.  Because.

The next person listed out a series of [perceived] rejections and failed relationships that must have left me in a desperate state of hoping for a place to belong or be desired.  We recalled things far back into my life where I made excessive efforts to be ‘loved’ to no avail.  We took it a little further and supposed many of my subsequent unhealthy behaviors later on seem so obviously because of this, and yet, at the time, it didn’t occur to me at all.

So when I cant repair or change or reverse any of that – I run – I run and tens of thousands of people share the moment with me and support me and cheer for me and it feels GREAT.  That’s why.

I guess this is wisdom.  An ironic part of life that shows up after the fact and cant be taught, it has to be learned through experience.

I still wouldn’t change much, if anything.  I wouldn’t want to be living without the knowledge I have now and I don’t know how I could have realized any of it any other way – especially the parts that hurt.  And I don’t know that its going to change my need to push myself so hard in every aspect of my life.  I’m ok with that.

I have no desire to accept anything less than my absolute best from myself in all my endeavors, both long-term, as well as daily/routine.  This is something I try to tell my kids but don’t know that they get it.  I tell them to always do their best because it feels good – because whether its something you enjoy or not – it fuels you – it makes you who you are – you can do it for you or do it for others but you should do ALL things your very best.  The big – the small – the fun – the boring – all of it – be that person that does things WELL – you’ll be glad you did.

I cant go back and do anything over and I’m not even sure I would if I were able – but I could turn all these lessons into something very valuable by teaching it to my kids – but guess what – I am really not a good mom.  If I were I could do all the things I know are right.  I care and wish and dream but when it  comes down to it – when it matters – in reality, I screw up every day as a mom – when I could be sharing the things I have learned, instead of pushing them off to the side and screwing with their heads.

Well, I hope they can listen to and remember my words – in the quiet moments when we talk – and then that those words will mean more to them than all the stupid things I did and said.

I hope.

And I run.

 

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Meaning

There is nothing unique or profound about this story.  Just about anyone can find a parallel or two in here.

I recently told a school administrator that rather than putting pins on the kids they feel are ‘gifted’ that educators should discover, develop, exploit and recognize the gift in every kid – because I honestly think we all have gifts – we are all blessed and yet sadly, our CULTure paints pictures that some of us try desperately to conform to or fit in with.

I was never ‘good’ at most of the things I tried – at least as far as I could tell.

I have always been successful professionally and that feels good in its moments but my occupation like most is a ‘what have you done for me lately’ type of work where no matter what you did that was awesome it is quickly lost in the shadow of whatever is needed in the current moment.

I even pretty well failed at being a stay at home mom when I took a crack at it.

I sucked at it.

Looking back I see how I could have done a better job but I tried mommy-groups, and play-dates and book-clubs and I just SUCKED at it.  I even managed to make an entire neighborhood sick as a result of my first party/get-together.

My natural competitive spirit never really relaxed and was in a constant contest with no finish line.

I got depressed – I was 40 lbs over weight – my house was never really clean and my kids were never really just happy for more than a few minutes.

S.U.C.K.

One day I looked at the treadmill in the basement.  I tried it out for a sec.  Over the weeks my mileage built up.  I discovered how cool it was to jam out the music and just go.

Then I went outside – and an entire new world opened up to me.

I used to waddle/meander/semi-jog my overweight/out-of-shape body around the neighborhood very early before anyone else was awake, including the sun.  It became an addiction.

A couple of years later a friend posted on facebook that her friend couldn’t run the Army Ten Miler with her and would anyone like to join her.  And hence the beginning of my new life.

That was October of ’09 and I think we all know how many races I’ve done since then but for those who don’t – its two 10s, 8 halfs, 5 fulls, 3 50ks and a 50 miler.  I have two more halfs a 10 miler and a sprint tri this year.

So running gave me that.  It gave me something I could be good at – because all I had to do was never give up.  And THAT I am good at 😉

And yet – we have my body-image/weight issues….I’m getting better with this – it helps when I see someone else dealing w the same thing and I hear myself helping them.    I recently changed my tumblr advatar to a pic of me smiling so hard I look like I have a million wrinkles because it was a moment of pure joy and I look much happier than the ones where there are no laugh-lines 😉

On a final note – in the world of a runner – no matter what they tell you Don’t come, Its fine, I don’t need you – nothing means more than seeing someone you know in the crowd.  I’m so thankful to everyone who has come to a race – particularly Steve.  I’m thankful for all the time my family has understandably endured having me missing due to racing and training.

As I approach my 40^th bday (ok its 8 mos away) but as it approaches I find myself truly in the best shape of my life, physically, spiritually, mentally/emotionally, professionally and in every aspect of my life.

Thank you God.

Be well <3 K

 

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Half #7 done….

I go into every race wanting to PR.  No matter how realistic it is, I fanaticize about it.

If I’m hurt, injured (not the same thing) or just ran an ultra – or all of the above – like today, I still want to – and for a while, it is a realistic possibility during the race – I’m pushing for it – always, and then, sometimes, like today – it slips away.

I wasn’t positive though, and I guess I’m still not 100% as I haven’t seen anything official, but it looks like I finished 2:15, which is over by approx. 8 mins.

I have no races now until June – which seems insane to me given the last few weeks of back-to-back races.  I can focus now on rehab and cross training.

I am detoxing (more on this later) which I haven’t done in 2.5 yrs, and I feel pretty confident that I will PR one of the three races I have scheduled this summer, probably the last one.

Mixed in between there I’ll do my first tri, and that is something to get excited about and focused on as well.

And as long as I’m just randomly putting my feelings and thoughts out there – I’d really like to become a certified nutritionist and/or trainer in the near future – you know, on top of running my own business, having a job, being a mom & [fill in blah blah blah].  And so it shall be done.

It was a really great day today – a terrific weekend – and not a bad month!!!

 

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Perspective

In looking back again at my 4^th trail/endurance ultra in less than 2 yrs, I can say that no two races are alike and simple mathematical logic cannot be dependably applied from one to the next.

Uber 50k 6 months ago was similar in total vertical gain of approximately 6,000 feet and this was nearly the same distance – but it took me twenty minutes longer to complete.  For one thing, I’d say the Uber split was 50X50 road to trail whereas the race this weekend was 95% trail, and the terrain was unbelievably technical.

In the JFK 50 Miler I average a 14 minute-mile and it took nearly 12 hours.  This took almost as long and was 16 miles shorter.  I averaged closer to 17 minutes per mile.

Fear/reluctance does play a part.  The me who ran the JFK wasn’t afraid of falling.  In-fact, I fell often – got back up, wiped off the dirt and blood and kept going.  The me who fell training back in Sept and broke my hand, cant bear the thought of falling again.  So in many instances where I could be making up for lost speed climbing by bursting down hills, I meander and tip toe with my hands outstretched like a tightrope walker.

Now I really don’t know what I want to do next.

I mean I know I have 5 more races schedule this year, but do I want to do more?  Do I want to try JFK again in Nov?  Or do I just want to make the most of my personal trainer and spend all my time in the gym?

Am I getting slower or have the races just been significantly harder?

As I get older and move into a new bracket, will a Boston Qualification be that much more attainable or is it a dream I should realistically abandon?

Maybe I’ll let all the pain wear off before I decide 😉

 

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full race report – ultra #4 Bel Monte 55k Mountain Trail

Despite a chilly 630 am start, I started out doing fine and feeling well.  The course was very technical and very hilly.  It was 95% trail (only 4 out of 34 miles were road) and the total elevation gain over 6,000 feet – similar to the UROC 100k turned Uber 50k on the same mountain range just last Sept.

There was so much climbing and so many bolders and rocks.  It poured all night the night before adding the additional challenge of mud, slick rocks and making the ice cold river (that we crossed 14 times up to our knees) all the more rapid.

Approximately 9 miles into it, I turned my already injured ankle pretty badly. After the 25k turn around, I was alone, for what seemed like hours.  Not a soul in front of me and no one behind me.

Four bible verses ring over and over and over – Mark 10:27, Luke 1:37, Isaiah 12:2, Josh 1:9

You see I am terrified.  I don’t get scared easily and I’m not scared of many things.  But since the fall on bull run mountain when I broke my hand training for Uber, I am SCARED of falling on these rocky downslopes.  So I just keep saying those verses, afterall, no one is around, no one can hear me anyway or see me talking to my damn self.

Then appeared someone coming behind me in a bright yellow sweatshirt.  “Hi human being” I said excitedly.  I started blabbing my mouth, happy to not be alone, he was polite but in no mood to chit chat.    I find out much later that his name is Greg.  I told him I thought I was in last place until I saw him and he explained there were definitely a few people behind us.  After a while, he pulled away – and eventually, I was passed a few more times.

When I got to the last aid station before the turn around, it had been approximately 4 hours already.  I knew I had another 3.5 miles before I’d turn, and I wasn’t sure if anyone was behind me.

That 3.5 miles was mentally taxing.  I saw yellow sweatshirt guy rounding the top with a sprinkle of other around him.  People were coming down the hill now, and passing me in the other direction.  Everyone offers some sort of encouraging comment about what a great job I’m doing etc but I rarely respond.  I wave and smile but don’t say anything.  I do the math in my head.  I know that there is now a very slight chance I’ll make the cut off IF I can get back in the same amount of time I got here.  I also know that every switchback I had descended now had to be climbed – and that we are talking in terms of MILES straight up.  I could sprint down the hills pretty fast, but the best I could do on some of the climbs was approx. an 18 min mile.

I started to tell myself that when I switched from the 100k to the 50k last Sept, at the halfway point, on this very same stretch of mountains, that had made the wise decision and that it would be completely respectable to do the same thing today.  I’d wait for “the truck” to pick me up, the pain in my ankle would be no more AND I’d still get a nifty 25k medal.

Then I got to the turn, started devouring everything out of my drop bag.  Melted nutella was all over my face and I knew it and didn’t care.  The sweetest young man working the station approached me to say, “I’m sorry you didn’t make the cutoff”

You’d think this wouldn’t bother me since I just spent the last 3.5 mile climb talking myself into a drop and fantasizing about the truckride back to my cabin.

However – I turned into a different creature in that instant, like a werewolf seeing the moon – I looked at this poor kid and said – “I’M FINISHING”

Then, I was the girl who DQ’d the JFK50 Miler.

Reference link below for full recap if you like – but the point is – I finished despite the unlikely odds of making up a deficit.

http://justmekirsten.tumblr.com/post/48546755660/this-is-an-old-post-from-two-novembers-ago

So there you have it.  I’m only halfway done, I’m 4:40 into it, and I refuse to wait for the truck.  I dart down the hill.  Now I tell myself, I’ll get down that sucker twice as fast as I got up it, its all down  hill.

As I was speeding down the hill, I had three thoughts that came roaring at me, scolding that girl who had just moments ago been sure dropping made sense and was ok.

–          The father of the slain boy and wounded girl who was just about to finish Boston Marathon – Will he ever run again?  Do it for him  – I screamed at myself

–          Steve Gleason – he doesn’t have the choice I HAVE to stop taking steps – he’d give anything to take just one, but cant

–          My children,  How can I expect them to believe me when I tell them they are capable of ANYTHING if they see me quit AGAIN

Part of the way down the hill comes the race director in his truck.

“You ok”

“Yep”

“You want to finish huh”

“Yep”

“Want me to take your coat for you”

“Sure”

😉

Guess what – I got to that aid station and asked the guys how I was doing on time – “Youre under by literally two minutes, I recommend you get going”

And so I did.

Guess who I ran back into, Yellow Sweatshirt, ie Greg.

“WOW – I’M IMPRESSED” he took out his headphones to say.  “How did you catch up to me, I passed you 20 minutes ago”

And then we just decided to finish side by side in last place.

Then we get to the last big switchback.  We keep turning and turning and climbing and it never ends.  Then we see a man, Stuart, who I remember being passed by ages ago – he is just slumped over on a rock.

“And then there were three”  I say to him.  And so it was.

The three of us – sometimes we walked – sometimes we sprinted – sometimes we climbed or tiptoed through raging freezing water.  Sometimes we fell.  And we talked.  And we got to know each other a bit.

We took a few wrong turns that got back on track.

Finally we got to the road, which we knew mean the finish line was 2 miles away.

Then just at the top of the last crest, before turning into the cabins and finish line, Steve joined me!!!!

I was elated.  He made it.  He has no idea how much it means to me.

As I reached the finish line, the director said, “THERE SHE IS, AND SHE’S NOT EVEN LAST”

HAHA

He gave me a big hug when I crossed and when he was giving me my coat after it was all over (remember there’s only two more runners) – I tell him this was harder than Northface 50k, harder than JFK50 Miler, and harder than Uber 50k.

He remarks, Wow you did Uber?  Yep.  And I did Charlottesville last weekend.

He says, You know what, wait right there.

He comes back and he congratulates me again for sticking with it.  He tells me he is impressed and proud of me then he hands me something and tells me I am “Bad to the Bone”

It was a BTTB coin!

I am so humbled, and grateful and proud all at the same time (is that possible).

I love this stuff.

Rock on – Be well,

K

 

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this is an OLD post from two novembers ago…

I am reposting because I’m about to give another story that references is, so, yeah that….

The JFK 50 Miler DQ’d Comeback Story (again)

This needs to start here:

Not only do you have to cross the finish line at the cut off time, no exceptions, no lee-way , there are also checkpoints along the course, that if you do not reach in the allotted time, you are disqualified – your race is over – no matter how far you’ve gotten, you need to go home.

I went through the first two with 30+ minutes to spare.

I felt ok.

Then I got to the 34 mile check-point.  The Race Director, who is at every check point, tells me and the crowd I am crossing with that we are eleven minutes passed the cut-off and we are done.  Every one else walks off the course with their heads down.  I dont.

**UNACCEPTABLE**

“I can make it up, let  me get to the next one”  I kept going.

“That is not possible,”  he calls out “I have workers who need to shut down, they will not wait for you – the next cutoff is  40 minutes out and you are over 4 miles away – its not possible”

“See you there”

I make it there two minutes too slow.

At this point Steve (who was at every checkpoint too), realizes what is going on and looks mortified (more on this later).

 

“See you at the next one,” I say to the director, who has an amused look on his face now.

And I did (see the director at the next one) with twenty minutes to spare.  That means with 40 miles under my belt I whipped out 8.5 minute miles.

Now lets go back to the beginning:

The first 2.5 miles are on a road through and old country town lined with gingerbread houses and cute little shoppes.  This stretch is straight up hill, as are the following 12 miles.  At the start of the race it has warmed up to 31 degrees fahrenheit.

When we got to the trail I had NO idea the level of technical difficultly I was about to face.  The overall climb reached in excess of 1,500 feet.  It was a steady incline the entire time with the exception of two steep declines that were just as difficult to maneuver.  Every step landed on leaf covered jagged boulders, logs, and roots.  Lots of people fell.  One dude cut his head open and received stitches.

There were several times that my body flew forward full force into a tree.  I was thankful for my gloves at those moments.  I remember thinking, probably outloud, that when people in the future tell me how great it is that I ran 50 miles, that they cant possibly understand, is that it was already MUCH more than that.  I was hiking, very quickly, beyond the distance of a half marathon.

This took over three hours.  As you can imagine, this means the first half of the race was much slower than the second, and meant I had to work very hard to get back in “the running”.  Little did I know, my work was yet to come.

The next 26 miles is the C&O canal towpath.  There were a few moments where I noticed things, like Harpers Ferry and then the river on one side and cliffs on the other was very nice (at first) – then it dragged on and on and on like Groundhog day.  You started to wonder if you’d made any distance because it all looked exactly the same.  “Didn’t I already pass that”?

Steve somehow managed to show up not only at every allowable ‘handler’ location, with food and drinks, he also managed to show up randomly throughout other points, and either take video or even run with me for a bit.  Now if you think that he utilized technology to assist him let me assure you, not only was my battery dead a good portion of the time – there was NO SIGNAL of any kind, the majority of the time (we are in the middle of nowhere).

It is difficult to explain adequately how much seeing him meant to me or the impact it had on me.  It always blasted me out and pepped me up.

There is a point, approaching the 23rd mile, which is very much the point of the well known ‘runners wall’, where I hear a horn beeping.  There were not a lot of noises to be heard out in the middle of nowhere, so this stood out – yet I didn’t turn.  I hear “KIRSTEN”!  He basically is driving alongside me on a steep cliff far above me!  THEN the next thing I know, he is standing right in front of me, and runs until about check point 27.

Ryan showed up somewhere soon hereafter and finished the rest of the race with me (though he honorably cut out of the scene approaching the finish line and stepped off to the side with the rest of the spectators.

You all know what happens at 34 because I told you last night – and the rest gets very blurry for me.  He is trying to talk and encourage/motivate me, and react to the jibberish and nonsense coming out of my mouth with appropriate guidance.

Steve and Ryan both know that I am DQ’d at this point but neither of them tells me.  They are texting each other back and forth.

This must have been such a painful/difficult moment for Steve, who I think I last see at 41 and I wonder why his face looks so disturbed.  He couldn’t bring himself to tell me I was now wasting my time.  I say “whats wrong w you” – he replies “nothing”  I say, OK and run away oblivious.  This is the point where I am two minutes under, and the station workers told him I was out.  But I was so stoked for making up the time I made up, that I was rejuvenated and felt as bad a$$ as you can feel with blisters all over your feet, a knee that reacted to an ankle twist 30 miles ago, and a back that was all cramped up.

All sorts of things can happen to you during an ultra.  I had heard of it but never experienced it.  It was all happening now, and had Ryan not been there, I have no idea what would have happened.  I lost all sense of time, had no depth perception, literally lost my sense of color – couldn’t speak clearly, and started hallucinating.

I’d say, “Those rocks, those rocks, I see them but theyre not there right” and he would just go, “Yep, the rocks are not there”

I couldn’t tell if I was going up or down, so he had to tell me.  He wanted me to go slow up and fast down, in order to make the cut off.  He would say “See that third cone, we run to it, then we walk.  See that green sign, we walk to it then we run”

Some runners throw up in ultras.   I got sick the other way.  Over and over the last 20 miles.

Ryan was counting my calorie and fluid intake because I have a history of not knowing what I do and don’t need.  It is difficult when you cant tell if you just ran for one minute or ten and my watch battery died long ago.

I came out of the porta potty [graphic details redacted] “Ryan I didn’t wash my hands I should not touch any more food”

“That’s ok, God knows what youre going through and he makes us all exempt from disease at this time.”

I realize I am not in last place anymore but I cant look behind me – I just press on – so high I cannot even describe it.

As I am approaching the finish line – the finish line that for a moment, was impossible, and I thought I would never see –  I hear them announce my name, then they say, and here comes a handsome guy with flowers for her (two dozen long stem roses)

There were 941 finishers.  That means approx 10 percent of the runners did not finish.

But I did, and when the director (who said he was the grim reaper when kicking me out) – who noticed me at every checkpoint thereafter – with people BEHIND ME – put the medal around my neck, he said “I was just motivating you kid, there’s one of you here every year, now go take a shower”

Unofficial time 11:43 (747^th place), overall pace 14:04

If you reference back to the story last night about how I was disqualified and came back  – that means at mile 34 there was NO ONE behind me.  Zero.   I then finished in front of (at least) 194 people (if anyone was behind them and crossed after 7pm, they didn’t get credit.

Feet up now getting breakfast in bed from the man I love.

And uhm, in a tad bit of pain 😉

 

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anticipate & appreciate <3 the run <3

Spring 2013

4 Races in 6 Weeks, to include 1 [mountain\trail] 50k, 1 full marathon and 2 half marathons.

And then I don’t have anything until June (1/2 – which is nothing) then Aug (first tri) then Sept (2 1/2s where I’ll be aiming for PRs) then….planning 2 races with Donna in Nov, 1 fun trail 8k (where I was previously trampled by a deer), and my first (bloody, zombie) obstacle 5k.

In between I’m using the assistance of a trainer/pt/nutritionist to work on everything from core, strength, balance, detoxing, running-mechanics and rehab.

I’m so excited it is like being in a constant state of ‘kid-on-christmas-eve’.

I am happy about the challenges & accomplishments – I don’t have time to be too terribly anxious about the various injuries (but the trainer is helping with that anyway).

I reflect and smile when I remember to – about the people I have met along the way.

Relationships are born or strengthened in the journey.

It is actually pleasing that I somehow ended up with my schedule just as it is. It just sort of happened.

I look forward to next year and wonder what I’ll put together.  I get that this year is barely under way, and I wish I didn’t live in this constant state of wanting to fast forward.  I will definitely make sure to enjoy the moments.

As I look back at last week’s half in the hills with Steve, I know that it turned out much better than I had predicted and the smile that couldn’t be slapped off my face at the finish line was a girl in a dream coming true.  It didn’t start out wonderful – and there will always be stupid moments in our relationships that don’t fit into fairytales but that one moment, when I didn’t grab his reluctant hand, we grabbed each other’s’ triumphantly, and the announcer said our names – ok well they called me ‘Kristen’ like they always do – but yeah, it was cool.

I don’t know what my foot/ankle has in store for me – it is actually radiating as I sit here with the laptop on my lap – and I don’t know if my ultra-running journey will fade away into the sunset sooner than I’d hoped – but if it does, it will be an awesome sunset behind a mountain range – one that I conquered – until I was satisfied – and found a new carrot to chase.

May I never stop pursuing.

Be well <3 K

 

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todays post-run ramble

When there is a big race coming up, every training run is the race in my head. If I reach a steep hill or significantly rough patch of terrain, I tell myself I’m almost to the finish line and not to give up.

I say, “This is it, you’re on the  mountain, go!”

I live in a pretty hilly spot, so there’s plenty of opportunities for this battle of wills to occur.

All the  training runs at home are out and back, so, I run out there knowing however far I go, I will have run twice that distance by the time I get back.

Today I switched it up a bit and went passed my house, twice, and kept going. The weather was just too nice not to.

Tomorrow I plan to put in at least an hour on the street with Steve, since he’ll be running his second half in just a couple weeks, and hasn’t trained much at all.

At least that is the plan.

Once the 50k is over, and even though I have 4 halfs after it, I can really just start focusing on core & strength after it and stop trying to preserve myself and avoid injury.

I want to get more into lifting.

I want to be really hard core with it.  Like, flipping big semi tires and shit you know.

I want to get stronger.

I am really unsure of the JFK 50 in Nov.  Part of me feels like it will depend on the 50k results.  Another part of me wants to move beyond all this running and get more into other things.

We shall see.  And that folks, is all I can remember from the flood of thoughts that came waterfalling into my mind on my run today – OH how I wish I had a better recall mechanism.

 

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<3 it

I keep seeing the Runners World article being shared about the runner helping the other runner cross the finish line in Saturday’s RnR that I did.

I’ve seen similar such articles in the past, including a pretty incredible one of a woman literally dragging herself at an IronMan.  I have also been on both the giving & receiving end of such acts of support in races.

This is really a huge part of what it is about for me.

The community.  The support.  The crowd.  The camaraderie.  The bonds and relationships that occur in the instant.  Being helped up when you fall.  Being offered fuel.  Being cheered for.

It is as I imagine similar to a battlefield experience or that of the life of a first-responder, when you fight for something & overcome it and/or suffer through it with someone, it is a connection like no other.  And there is pain – real pain – no matter how strong you are – and there is hope, and worry and so many feelings.

The looks and nods of understanding.  The feeling of knowing someone gets it when you make a horrible noises or smell quite terrible.

The condition we are all in at certain points of the contests that we put ourselves through and refuse to give in.

So I previously mentioned the emotional let downs when you don’t achieve what you set out for or don’t receive support from folks you’d hoped or thought you’d see – well quite to the contrary – there is this other thing.

And it is so wonderful.

Such a beautiful part of the running and human experience.

The nature – the achievement – the kindness.

I love it.  I run.

 

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next one

In other news, I noticed in a running magazine that there is a race in Arizona called the Tucson Mount Mellon Marathon.  It is known as the ‘World’s toughest road marathon’ as it covers 6,000 feet of elevation gain up to heights of over 8,000 feet.

Keep this in mind as you imagine the 50k we did in Sept, that gained over 6,000 feet at elevations just over 3,000.

The race was about 50X50 road/trail at that time.

I’m doing it again in a month, but this time, it is 95% trail.

Although trail is technically more difficult and you have to be cognizant of your footing at all times, the road is more pounding and impact, especially when you have on trail shoes.

Its hard to be in as much pain as I am today and yet look forward to this.

The whole family is coming and we rented a two bedroom cabin overlooking the mountain range.  We have a deck w a grill and a gazebo with a Jacuzzi.

It is our 13^th anniversary and we’ll be there for three days.

I’ll also get to run with my new dearest buddy Jonathan again and a few other new pals.

My boys can golf while I run and I cant imagine a more perfect weekend.

Here’s to champagne and crockpots and beautiful mountains & a good 8+ hours of fresh air!

Time to stop pouting, put my big girl pants on and start training again.

 

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Marathon #5 Detailed Report

Started the race feeling fine despite not much sleep & certainly not sufficient nutrition – all I had was half of a sample protein bar from the expo & a few sips of Gatorade.

Since it was my fifth full & I have [my third] 50k in one month,  which will be my BIG ONE for the year (unless I do JFK50 again in Nov) I wasn’t necessarily going to go all out, and it shouldn’t be a ‘big deal’.

My family had other things to do and I told them that was perfectly fine – after all, I was meeting up with a couple runner friends, including my new buddy Jonathan who finished the Uber 50k in the mountains with me back in Sept – to run it with AND a handful of other friends mentioned they’d stop by.

As a matter of fact, Jonathan and I kept saying this was just a training run for our big one coming up.  We’d both been nursing injuries and didn’t want to exacerbate them.

We started fast, as always, very fast for me (who isnt really fast anymore since I started doing ultras) – and we maintained it.  We maintained it for so long, that it occurred to me, about 10k into it, that if we kept it up we’d finish this whole damn thing in 4 hours – which would be a 23 minute PR for me.

But I didn’t get my hopes up – I just noticed that I felt perfectly fine, the weather was perfect – and I just kept going.

Ten miles into it now I still feel good and am amazed that although I had slowed down slightly, my effort was still strong & not at all strained and I was right inside the 4:10 pacer group.

I had a relaxed, not winded conversation with some of them.  I found out what coral they were in and realized I was still very much on track for a PR – but that I had really not been fueling – and so I had better force something down soon so I don’t ‘hit.the.wall”  OK, in a little bit, I thought to myself.

Skip ahead to the 13 mile mark – the half/full split, because it happened so fast – those three miles there really blew by, and I still felt ok – I had gone from a 9 to 10 min mile at this point but that was fine w me because I know a consistent 10 would be a PR and that I’d done so many 9s at the beginning, I had that cushion to maybe even *gasp* walk for a second at some point, take a picture, send a tweet.

I took out the dreaded nasty GU which I can normally stomach at least, and I couldn’t even get a drop of it into my mouth w out gagging.  I began to dry heave.   I realized there is essentially nothing in my stomach to vomit but proceeded to ‘vomit’ nothing and get all dizzy and lightheaded.

This was close to IT for me.  There is definitely a scientific/physiological explanation for it  – and I’m sure it boils down to fueling – but I was literally spent.

Fuck.

I kept going.  I took a sip of something.

I really kept pushing, pack to the 10s, maybe 10:20ish – I’d gone under a few tunnels that wacked up my gps signal, so my pace was no longer accurate on my watch.  I’d walk to and from stations when I saw them, but I’d get right back on track.  Then mile 17 happened.  The race was at the riverwalk at this point.

I said, Oh, walk, yes, lets.

And so I did.  I’d separated from my friends about 8 miles into it as they stopped to use the restroom.  I looked at my phone and J had texted.  I realized he was only a half mile behind me.  Little did I know, the third man in our group was about 1.5 miles in front of me now.  How long had I been walking?  Where am I?  Why are all these people passing me?  I have cramps.  Everywhere.  Is the race almost over?

And so this is it.  This is the wall.  I want to jump in the  nasty river.  Why isnt it raining?  I like rain?  Rain would be water that I could drink.

((sigh))

I spent the last 8 miles of this race going back and forth between walking and sprinting.

I fought back tears a few times as I watched the PR slip out of my grasp. Several times I thought I saw different friends and family on the sidelines.  This is common for me.  It is like a form of self torture.  *I wont even get into the pathetic deep-rooted all the way back to my childhood disappointment that comes back in a flash.

If you imagine it – its an emotional rollercoaster, to be so hopefuland excited (for a PR you’d only dreamed of w/in your grasp) then so disappointed (as it slowly fades off), then keep having these little hopeful glimmers (when you think you recognize someone) that get extinguished when you see that the person standing there is not for you – even though they say Great job, youre awesome, you look great.  You just want to punch them.  You think, No, no I don’t, youre lying and you don’t know me.

The last two miles I look down at my watch, I’m16 minutes from a 5 hour finish. I will find a bridge to jump off if I don’t sub 5.  I have to give it ALL I HAVE.  But I don’t have anything left?

Well two POINT TWO.  Don’t forget those mother fucking point two.

So I make a run for it.  I am making horrible noises.  I bet the look on my face is dreadful.

I finish 4:55.  Made it.  Barely.

I do the stupid Looking for people thing.  I kept seeing people that might be people I know – but they weren’t.  I should say, that had anyone shown up or waited to see me, I was in no sort of company to visit at that point 😉

Now I realize how much pain I am in.  I have never been in this much pain after a race before I don’t think.  Or maybe I always think that?

Shouldn’t I be in the best shape of my damn life?  What am I paying gym fees for?

Its cool.  I didn’t PR but I also didn’t plus 5.  The weather really was beautiful – perfect.  I will find my car and I will eat this bananas and chips – where did they come from – I don’t know.  There is a medal around my neck now.  I will look at it later.  All is good and fine.

If this is an indicator of anything for the 50k, I guess I will just try not to push so hard going out and remember how much this hurts – I do remember how much my TOES hurt on the down slopes up there.

The end.

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more on that 😉

On my Facebook Running page I mentioned earlier today about something that happened at the end of my run.

I live in a very hilly area.  A gaggle of cyclists were flying by me, about a dozen or so, as it was a downhill part of the road.   Just by the looks of them I thought, some of them were experienced, and some were not.

This is my neighborhood and I knew that they were just a couple hundred yards from a very steep incline and I told myself, ‘I’m going to pass and beat them to the crest’

Sure enough, a few of them, the non-experienced few, had given up part the way to the top, dismounted and were pushing their bikes up.  They were quite a ways ahead of me but this was my motivation.  My thing I made up in my head.

So I bolted.  When I reached them I was elated but when I started to pass them I heard one say something negative to the other about See, look, even she is passing us.

And I turned back to them.  The cold fall air was slicing through my lungs as I sucked it in hard pushing my body as much as I could to the top.  I must have sounded like an emphysema patient as I barked back, No worries, youre doing great, I cant ride up this hill either its very hard.  And that is mostly true.

My concern over them shifted from wanting to beat them to wanting to encourage them.

There is a thing I do in a race – and I am sure many runners do it, especially when you get into the ultra and your race is lasting 8-12 hours….I will see someone up ahead of me – tell myself why I can beat them and then do it – or at the very least strive like the dickens to do it.  When no one is around you just pick an object like a sign or a tree or whatever – Just run to that spot then you can walk.  It is things like this that get your through.

Anyway – sometimes – like today – seeing someone else in a struggle, completely changes the mood of things and you just want to encourage and motivate them to keep going.  You let them know you’ve been there too and that they WILL get through it.  I hope those nice ladies made it to the top, remounted and had a great rest of what will hopefully be many more rides to come.

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