kirsten's thoughts, mostly running-related

Halfway through reading Wolf at the Table, there is a scene where someone is asking another person to just tell them why they did something.  They just “want the truth”.

Similarly, I recently requested to schedule time with someone and I want them to tell me why something is happening in our relationship. 

I tell myself that I want to understand if there is something I did to cause a behavior or dynamic, so I could possibly do it differently to produce a better outcome.  I could then base my decision to continue the relationship or not on the answer.

But as I hear the character in the book asking this question, I want to tell her to not ask.  I want to advise her and rewrite this chapter.  Because it doesn’t matter what the other person says. It never does.  Not in real life or the book.

Some broken or strengthened part of each of us, as a result of every moment up to that action, causes us to do things we cant even explain to ourselves.

What is actually funny is that the person I have requested to speak to actually wrote a book about his own life and in it he describes a moment when someone was asking him the very same thing – WHY?

Why are we where we are? How did this happen to us?

I don’t think I want to know why anymore.  If the meeting happens, it will go very differently than I intended initially.

And I want to tell the fictional woman in the book to just get up from the table before he can answer and say, “You know what, it doesn’t matter why – its done”

Thinking over all the things that I have done in life and the effect it had on others, and the impact my words and actions may have had on various folks, I can’t really tell you why I did each of those things – I could only guess.  So what is the point?

If someone handed you a guide or formula on all the outcomes of each choice you have to make – what would we do next? Would we just be paralyzed in a pondering state?  Would we have to plan out all the results on a scale and decide who and what we care about most?

I’m too old for this.  My life is definitely half-over and it seems to have gone very quickly.

I definitely did not appreciate a million things I had overtime that are gone now and I can’t have them back.  And that is ok too.

No one deserves to be an ingredient in an exercise for someone else to work through their own demons, unless you need it too. And I don’t think I do.

In other words – you have a choice to make and so do I, as to what your character will do next in your own story. You’re the author and you’re holding the pen.

No, I mean it.

Merry Christmas, 2023.  Sipping my cold coffee – turkey is on the smoker, most things are already fixed and just need to be heated.  Thinking.

I’m not the best communicator, but I try.  Or so I have surmised over the years, it appears that not everyone ‘Speaks Kirsten’.

There is no part of me that has the energy or interest to participate in any sort of conflict anymore.  Not that I necessarily did previously, but I certainly wanted to ‘win’ and in some cases that would mean an argument.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be able to convince people of things, if it’s a thing that I think is important (in either work or personal life).  I want the audience to believe, understand, and [for the sake of resolution of things that are important] agree with me. 

This is the current state of my being as a culmination of a whole lifetime, of course, but really, the last couple years was so tumultuous, that I have achieved conflict avoidance to a whole new level.

I know what it feels like to be listened to; admired; respected and needed.  I also know exactly what it feels like to have people not only disagree, but vehemently oppose every noise that comes out of my face – even when we both know its right  – just to either, a) support a narrative that I am less important than them or b) find a way to reappropriate whatever I came up with as their own. I’ve experienced toxicity of a whole other level. Its gross and I won’t do that again – ever. I’d rather wait tables at a diner in Europe.

You’ll have to just take my word for it.

So I had a choice to either float along in a place [after making significant changes] where I was likely secure until retirement, because I was valued [by a few of the right people] but also had been placed inside of a safe little spot where I wouldn’t cause anymore [necessary but disruptive] resistance or discomfort – or – take on a whole new challenge of greater responsibility.  And this new challenge would be very similar to something I had done before, so, I could likely use that experience to do it even better than last time.

I thought – I just did the biggest, coolest thing I will ever do – then I got to do another equally challenging and pretty significant thing and now BOOM – I get to do ONE MORE! Something I wasn’t even looking for.

One of the people I admire the most in business said, “You’re at the TOP of your game. You’re going to crush this!”

This may not be as easy a choice as it seems – for me – although I really did make it impulsively without pause.

I don’t regret that, though part of me still has fleeting moments of at least considering what I walked away from.

That said, Here I now am.  I’ll take it moment by moment, and chapter by chapter.

I know you are supposed to go into a new thing with open eyes and ears – observing and learning, while you plan. And I absolutely am.  Its best to avoid my tendency to do things very quickly before I really get a lay of the land.  This will be a daily challenge and I actually sense the expectation is that I will make rapid and significant changes.  So, yeah.

I’ve been doing blog/journal-posts for many years. But since I started, for the millionth time, to write my book, and got further than I’d ever gotten before, I have been taking these little blog moments and finding a way to work them into said book.  This post however, is just going to live right here on my site that 5 or 6 people visit.

2024, you’re almost here.

I will take a deep breath.  Resist taking anything personally.  Take a moment to start and end each day on a note of thanks.  And, learn to diffuse conflict while examining my purpose and finding a way to get the right messages heard and accepted.

We can’t take away anything that has already happened, but we can certainly decide if we’ll put those moments behind us as a historic artifact, or in front of us as a stepping stone.

Be well,

KSR

** AI was not used in this or any post I have ever written – but – I do find it is a useful tool for me to have conversations with to learn how to have my thoughts read back to me to practice being a better communicator 😀

In the ever-evolving landscape of life, I look ahead to 2024 and it has already presented me with exciting opportunities and significant changes. I’m delighted to share my experience, as it’s a year filled with engagements, new roles, and, most importantly, a sense of personal fulfillment.

Speaking Engagements

I find myself on the cusp of potentially speaking at three prominent conferences so far. These events are not only prestigious but also provide a platform to connect with like-minded individuals in our vibrant community, share knowledge, and grow both personally and professionally.

Career Track at BSidesCharm

Additionally, I’m thrilled to be taking on the role of overseeing the Career Track at BSidesCharm. This is a new challenge and an opportunity to do things a bit differently this time around. We have some surprises up our sleeves, which promise to make the event even more fulfilling. Helping with initiatives like this has always been a passion of mine, and I’m excited to take this on.

Moving On and Taking On

One of the most significant recent changes is my retirement from the Car Hacking Village after dedicating nine years to the cause from establishment and first sponsor and original logo, to themes, parties, swag, volunteers and more. I established relationships during that decade that I now consider family and I treasure them forever. However, change often brings new opportunities, so I’ve taken on a new role as a board member at ICS Village, which promises to be a fresh and exciting ride.

A Shift in Career Focus

In recent times, I’ve transitioned from my role as the NSP recruiting director to a new position as the Talent Engagement Lead at AFS. This change has led to many people asking me whether I miss running recruiting. The truth is, I don’t. It’s not easy to witness some things from afar, and to miss people – however, I’ve come to realize that I’ve always been a multi-faceted professional and that letting go is strengthening and change is necessary. While I was directing a department, managing a team, and handling complex recruiting tasks, I was simultaneously engaged in various other activities, such as organizing events, mentoring, and speaking engagements. Now I get to just do the later, and do it with more focus.

Reflecting on My Career

This shift in my career has given me a moment to reflect. I’ve consistently juggled multiple responsibilities throughout my professional journey. Whether it was running events, planning & designing social content, volunteering, serving on boards, or presenting at conferences – I was always actively dedicated in this area. However, was previously doing so while simultaneously balancing managing recruitment, crafting and improving processes, strategizing campaigns, and continually providing detailed statistical reports to executive leadership. And the realization that I have the opportunity to ‘just’ focus on the things I’m passionate about is a remarkable revelation. *Turns out its a fulltime job* 🙂

A Fulfilling Change

So, do I want to go back to [running recruiting] someday? Perhaps. There may be a day when I feel the itch to start from scratch at a small organization or revamp a larger one ((I really do like identifying broken things and fixing them)). I’ve had experience successfully doing both, and I know how to handle it. But for now, I find immense satisfaction and enjoyment in what I do. It’s far less stressful, allowing me to invest more of myself into my endeavors, and truly take better care of myself personally too.

Grateful for the Journey

I consider myself incredibly fortunate to be in this position. As I take on new challenges and explore exciting opportunities in 2024, I can’t help but be grateful for the journey that has brought me here – and all the people who helped along the way (even the ones who made it harder)! It’s a reminder that embracing change, even when it means letting go of certain things, can open the door to personal growth and contentment.

A Message for You

Lastly, I’d like to leave you with a thought. If you’re wondering whether you’re in the right place in your career, remember that change is not only natural but often essential for personal and professional growth. Seek opportunities where you can make an impact, be valued, and lead a life with less stress. I hope my journey going into 2024 inspires you to embrace change and find your own path to fulfillment.

I challenge you to do something new and scary. Its worth it.

If you take out a couple DNFs, and include one virtual marathon (offered due to covid), today was my 50th race in just under 14 years.  Its funny that we had the storm to contend with because coincidentally, it was 7 years ago today that I ran the Northface 50 miler during a white out blizzard (yes, in Sept) 

Here’s a pic:

https://www.facebook.com/TNFECS/photos/a.205473456155435/1148236898545748/

Anywho – Today was my first real race in 4 years, minus a virtual marathon in 2021.  *Though my son and I did a 50k ruck on the W&OD one random weekend.

I recently lost my old recordings log of all my races and have been manually looking up registrations and results.  Not done but found most of it.

Tracking:

1 – 100k

3 – 50 milers

10 – 50ks (need to triple check, seems low)

9 Full marathons

15 half marathons

A handful of smaller races (1 Olympic tri, a few 10 milers, a 40-mile bike race etc)

That’s not everything but its over 1,000 racing miles. 

Not positive how to estimate the training miles most accurately, but I’m sure I could figure it out. Back in my PR days (2012-2015) I did 5k every weekday and not less than 10 once per weekend.

Even though I’ve lost over 30 pounds in the last 5 months, I really didn’t ‘foot-time-train’ as hard as I used to in the past – and am NOT where I want to be *yet*

Let’s face it, I’m also older and my body has been through a LOT.  I have a tricky knee and tricky ankle and sciatica now.  I also have a different work life and energy level.  I used to push through *everything*, and now I just don’t.  And that’s ok.

Since the beginning of April I have drank on avg, a gallon of water most days, worked out 1-2 hours daily (resistance/lifting and a lot of walking/elliptical), tracked macros and calories (lean & clean w lots of protein); reduced/cut: dairy, sugar, coffee and alcohol.  Still gluten free and no red meat.

OK – Back to the race!!

All said, I was a long way away from those PR days and was just in survival mode the whole time – but no stress – just me and what was left of Ophelia, the Tropical storm, out on the old OSS trail adjacent to Quantico.  For safety reasons, the race was moved from Sat to Sun and the trail conditions and weather were surprisingly not bad at all.  I actually enjoyed what rain made it through the trees and only lost my footing a few times.

Unlike the traditional one 10k loop as many times as you can in 12 – it was, 3 loops: long (11.1) med (6.5) and short (3.4) and you do whatever you want. I love this format and hope they keep it.

Sparing the details, I started getting sick around 2am and was sick until the race started at 6.  Whenever I went from walk to run, I wasn’t sure my stomach could handle it.

I love this race series and love this trail. Best director, best crew, best aid-station, best format – hands down. My absolute favorite. Its my happy place and it was just me running against myself,  hoping to not fall in the mud and break a bone or cut myself open requiring stitches; or get bit or stung or trampled by a deer to crack a few ribs [[ALL of which has happened in the past]].

Actually guess what, 5 mins into it, a deer bolted right in front of me.  What are the chances?  It missed me but I wish I had a go-pro on, it was crazy. That may not sound scary but a 150+ pound animal running 30+ miles an hour can be pretty scary, especially when its pitch dark – and yes, it does hurt if you get hit, so that fucked with my head a little (I screamed like a baby).

I ended up calling it a day at the half marathon mark, even though Steve said he’d do a loop with me and I do wish I had done that.  I am only going to be slightly obsessed though, because I’m not hurt and now I’m resting.  I do plan to stay in hard-core training-mode and get in far more race-shape for the next AE run in April, since I promised the RD I’d be back for it and I keep my word!!

A half marathon on a trail is nothing to be ashamed of. Not what I dreamed of but there will be more races! I’m not using trail conditions or weather as an excuse, because like I said, none of that bothered me.

All said, Salt bath done – And I ate (gluten free) pizza.

Know your why.  Pick your battles.  Find your thing and Do It!

Does anyone else feel like it’s all a competition?  How we look, how we spend our time and where and with whom? What we do with our money and how  much we [appear to] have.

To look a certain way or accomplish things?  Our homes, our jobs, our cars, kids, even our social posts and how they reflect what we’re doing and where we are going.

A lot of it is just perception and what we are focusing on from one minute to another will determine which of the many things we are trying to measure up on gets the most effort, but – its constant.

It never stops.

Did you vote?  For whom?  What issue are you valiantly supporting why you exercise that power you have?

How do you justify it’s importance? If you care about someone’s right to get married or a woman’s right to choose what to do with her own body, does that mean you don’t care about how much of a paycheck someone deserves for their hard work or their right to own a gun to protect themselves?

Everyone is judging you.  Everyone has an opinion on your opinion.  Everyone.

Hell, even when you speak at work or about work, everyone who sees it or hears it is ready to tell you if you even deserve your spot on the proverbial table, regardless of your contributions or expertise.

And that feeling they now refer to as Imposture Syndrome, may very well be because right after you do or say anything, there’s a chance you’ll be corrected and condemned for it by the masses.

All of this to say, maybe, just maybe, if we were less impulsive and more slow to action – even if that only means counting in our heads before we talk or type, that little bit of extra care and discipline would help us be easier on everyone around us – and ourselves.