My youngest son, Justin has really found his groove in the Army.  In less than 48 hours he will begin the 96 hours Forge to complete Basic Combat Training. The next day, 6 days from now, he will graduate and Turn Green, becoming an American Solider.

In the same way that the school system that was set up hundreds of  years ago, doesn’t work for all students, not everyone is cut out to succeed in the military.

His brother was that kid who thrived in school and I’m not saying he never struggled or worked hard, but let’s just say, he’s just one of those guys, who glitters and shines.  Justin, didn’t.  He is just as smart and talented, he just didn’t conform.  I had him in IEP and got tutors and sent him to math clinics.  I spent zillions on a psychologist who specialized in learning, who was blown away by how Justin scored in certain areas “off the charts” and was so below average in others.  I know, and she agreed, it was a choice to him.

If he wanted to write stories, he wrote brilliant tales.  If he wanted to make music, he’d lock himself in his room and pump out track after track.  But there was never an organized music or writing project or program anyone could interest him in.

I sent samples of his work to a private music school that people auditioned for and spend thousands to go to.  They invited him to come in for a tour, offered him a scholarship, and he declined.

I remember him telling me one day, “Mom, its like I’m a fish in the forest.  It doesn’t matter how good I can swim, I can’t climb trees and there is no water.”

He had zero interest in proving anything to anyone or earning any sort of accolades.  I remember making an outlandish incentive for him his sophomore year.  He was barely passing most of his classes, as usual, and I said, “You want a 4-wheeler, I’ll get you one, if you can bring home a straight A report card.”

I shit you not – he did it.

I got him the 4 wheeler (a really nice one) – and then his grades just slid again and we spent the next few years of high school barely passing.  I couldn’t motivate him.

He listened to a lot of podcasts like Jocko, and he had it in his head for a long time, that he was going to join the Army right after graduation and become an Airborne Ranger.  That was it.  That clicked for him, I saw the switch turn, it was all he wanted.

I was concerned he wouldn’t pass MEPs because of either his ADHD, his celiac or the fact that he is almost complete deaf on one side and partial on the other.  Not only did he pass, he passed without waiver.  When I asked him how the hell he passed the hearing test he said, Its just patterns, I guessed right.

That means he didn’t just guess right at MEPs, he did it at reception too.  I literally saw other SITs getting sent home for failing the hearing test.

He was supposed to be wearing a hearing aid most of his life, but he refused.  Eventually, partially for cost, we stopped fighting him and he learned to just ‘adjust and figure it out’.

When Justin puts his mind to something, he is all in.  As  his mom, all I can do is support him.

Speaking of support, I have supported the DOD by way of building teams, helping active service members transition to civilian and find employment for vets.  The majority of the work I have supported in last 12+ years, has been primarily DOD.  I followed Justin’s recruitment journey closely and was very involved, as much as he would let me, in the negotiation of his contract.  In my heart I know, this is a golden opportunity for him to finally get his groove and be challenged, motivated and rewarded.

So far its working.  He sees other soldiers in training who cry at night, are miserable and some even attempted suicide.  This doesn’t make him better than them, its just not for everyone.

He has told us some pretty cool stories in his letters to include:

• A snake he had to kill
• Fire-ants he sat on
• The dude that had to get punched in the jaw by the DI (he really needed it)
• A bet on a football game that  he lost with a DI that resulted  in him having to lunge around with his gun over his head
• The tornado that rolled through while they were on night range, followed by a flood, and how they had to respond

I’ve never missed anyone so much in my life, diluted only by my overwhelming pride. Worried isn’t the right word but I do have to just sit around waiting and wondering what’s happening all the time and hoping to see a picture or get a call.  I guess I am in training too, as that will be the new normal, pretty much for the length of his Army career, however long that ends up being.

So cheers to our soldiers, and all they go through, as well as their loved ones and families.

2020 took away his chance to march for his diploma, go to prom, have senior week and even the big trip we had planned for spring break.  Now his dad and I dont get family days or the chance to see him get his black beret or blue chord.  But we are so proud and seeing what we can virtually!!!

Bless you son – Can’t wait to hear about the Forge, watch you turn green, then watch you turn blue, then get your wings….and on and on!

Yesterday, I was walking with someone, a short distance at a moderate pace, and I said, “It didn’t seem this far going out as it does heading back”

Granted, we had just met that day, but they responded, “Have you ever ran a 5k”

I don’t expect them to know what I have done, so all I said was, “Yeah, a couple”

And its in my head today.

Not because they did anything wrong at all – but because I feel pathetic.

Here is what I didn’t say:

Yes, Yes I have run a few 5ks, but its not my favorite distance.  My actual favorite distance is 50k, and tomorrow, coincidentally,  is the 9 year anniversary of my first one, and have since run, ten 50ks, two 50 milers, one 100k, and 8 full (40k) and 13 halfs (20k).

But I didn’t refrain from saying it just because it would be rude – I didn’t say it because who would look at me, right now, 20+ lbs over weight and totally out of shape, and think I did any of those things in recent years?  Hell, I couldn’t even ride the 40 mile gravel grinder today that I rode a year ago.

I likely had covid and I still get out of breath, but thats not an excuse.  I also have a lot of stressful things piled over each other right now – one after another – but also, not an excuse.

So many folks  I know have taken some advantage of the covid situation and gotten into shape and lost weight.  I have gained a significant amount!

And so, I rode a little today.  And maybe, after my meetings and errands, I’ll go for a run  tonight.

One step at a time everyone.

That  athlete version  of me is still in there and I’ll get through all this crap I’m going through (most of which I can’t even talk about) and get my shit together.

I hope you’re all well.

Love, K

This is long – If you want to skip to the best part, and save the read, scroll down

This was the first ever trip for just me and my sons.  I’ve traveled with each of them individually and all of us as a family, but not just me and them.  This trip was not only for them to spend some time together, but also for us to pay tribute to my baby brother and deliver his remains to their final destination.

The first day of our trip, right after we landed, I took my boys to one of the houses I lived in as a kid in Worcester, Mass, about an hour from Boston.  My mom called it ‘the iron house’ (for its shape I guess).

It is on Lake Quinsigamond.  The  lake is 4 miles long and is situated between Worcester and Shrewsbury, where, other than the Cape briefly, we lived for the first decade of my life.  This house is split into multiple apartments, and we were on the bottom left.  At that time it was me, Adam, Jon and Mom.  I remember fishing and skating (playing hockey) on that lake with my brothers and even though I hadn’t been there in 30 years, I drove right up to it like it had been yesterday.

Around second grade, we left the iron house, we moved into my grandparent’s basement in Shrewsbury, a much nicer town, but we really didn’t know the difference when we were little.  I took Justin there, to ‘the brown house’ (we moved a lot and named our houses) the last time we were up there a year ago.

After taking pictures of the house and telling the boys stories for a couple minutes, I got a text from dad that he was at Shrewsbury pizzeria, a legacy place from our childhood, and we zoomed over there to eat calzones and gyros.

After we ate we went to Mountain View Cemetery in Shrewsbury, to find the gravesite of my Grampa and Grama Holbrook.  Buddy’s ashes were spread there too and after speaking to my mom, we decided Jon belonged with them.  It was me, dad, Will and Justin.  It took us a little bit of time to find the headstone, but we finally did with the help of a kind man that worked for the town (who had to radio it in because the plot map Will found online didn’t correspond with the markers).  Dad said a few words and I cried a little with the overwhelming notion that I was in the place that marked some of the most cherished people in my life that were all gone.

Once that was settled, I felt very peaceful, and we headed to visit [one of] my 98 year old grandmothers (I have two of them actually) in Longmeadow.  She was so pleased to see the boys and they both enjoyed seeing her as well.  She is still as sharp as a tack.  She tells stories with great detail.  There we were, about to head into 2020 and my grama can tell stories about the roaring 20s, and then the depression and how they made it!

I could write a whole piece about her and the stories, to include how she was ‘taken’ at  the  age of 16, to train to be an RN to care for soldiers, doing 12 hours shifts, but Justin is actually writing it up, and he is a remarkable writer, so I’ll let him do it then share when he is done.

Off we went to the hotel to rest up and split a bottle of red with dad, then wake up early to head to VT to ski.

Sparing you all the details, trust me when I tell you a logistical folly on my part lead to not a terrible first day and night in VT, but it just didn’t go as well as it could have if that funny little thing called hindsight would lend itself in advanced sometimes.  I guess it does in the form of instincts, but I digress.

Don’t get me wrong, Okemo is great and so is Killington, it just stinks when you have a room at one  place and lift passes at the other and they’re an hour away from each other 😛  *Although  I did enjoy the picturesque drive!!

Day two and the rest of the time up there was mostly awesome in a two story, two bedroom condo with fireplace, jacuzzi, deck, etc and it was literally across the street from the  best lodge they have at Mt Snow.  The homeowners left us a bottle of wine, some beer and a packed fridge.  The food at the lodge was amazeballs – and the summit was gorgeous.

Unfortunately Will busted his tailbone on his last swipe first day and ended up cutting  out early.  I felt my heart crack a little, the way only kids can do to you, but I’ll focus on the one drink we grabbed together and him saying , “Thanks for working hard to give us a good life.”

Consequently, I was made to ski with Justin and lets just say, I am the worst down hill skier alive and I do not like it.  He was very patient with me, giving me instructions but I finally made him just leave me and it took me so long to ‘pizza’ and side-step it down, he went up and back twice before I finished.  I wanted to take off the skis and walk to the lift but he said, “All my life you have been the bravest person in every situation, and you wouldn’t let me give up if I tried, so don’t give up” and with that in mind, I kept the skis on until I got back to the lodge – SLOWLY.

We had plenty of snow and ice non-stop for the rest of the trip and had we not had the beast 4X4, we would have been screwed (I had to shift down to 4-low a few times to get out of spots).  We lost power for a bit and I  actually very much enjoyed de-icing the beast (yay for spatulas when you don’t have an ice-scraper) and I liked going  out back to the shed for stacks of wood.

I’ll take a week of ice and snow in the mountains over a week of sunshine and heat at a beach 1,000 times over.

I missed my husband (and dog) quite a bit – and then William after he left – but I was at peace, completely chilled there the entire time and I loved it.

We said farewell to Mt Snow and the slopes and I enjoyed the drive back to Boston while Jnr slept.   The scenery of frozen rivers, people ice-fishing on lakes, little covered bridges and moose-crossing signs reminded me of a combo of Gilmore Girls and Stephen King – haha – two things I love!

The Best Part:

I should first tell you that all of this part happens with someone wearing no shoes (because they left them in the ski lodge in VT) – so was literally walking around Boston in just socks….

Our final adventure before tucking into hotel before our early flight home, was to go to Fenway to spread the remainder of Jon’s ashes.

As we got closer and closer, Justin kept insisting he was going to go inside and get his ashes to home plate.  I asserted that it would be impossible and we could just let them fly outside and he’d become part of the building.  Justin wasn’t giving up.

I said, “We are out of time, we have to get the rental back.”  He didn’t budge, he was clutching the ashes container.

He said, “Let me out here and circle around.”

I said, “OK fine, but you will absolutely NOT breach any barriers or disobey any posted signs.  There are cameras everywhere and we are not criminals.”

He said, “OK, I got it.”

For the record, I am not saying who did or did not do anything.  But someone may have found a door that was not just unlocked, it was WEDGED OPEN.  Obviously a person who works there did it temporarily  for a reason?  It was perhaps the door to a service entry to a restaurant that is in the park and still operates off season but can be entered from outside or inside the park.

Nothing posted anywhere said Do Not Enter.  However, turns out, even if you are allowed to enter a place that’s open to the public (such as a store or park), you can still be convicted of criminal trespass if you stay after the space closes or fail to leave after you’re ordered to do so.

Anyways, if someone possibly walked right in and started walking around., then they would have found that most doorways into the actual playing field area were boarded up.  But there was one, with just plastic, not sealed, so, you can walk right through it and disturb nothing.

Then you can walk all the way down the stands to the dugout, jump in, and walk to home plate, and spread the ashes then leave.

How perfect would that be if it had happened?!

So definitely Jon is with my grandparents in their final resting place, and I will neither confirm nor deny, but maybe, he is also inside Fenway, intertwined forever with that famous red dirt (that people pay money to touch and buy souvenir bottles of) inside the oldest existing stadium in this nation.

—————————————————————————————————————–

And so – there is a special reserved place in each of our hearts set aside uniquely for each person we love.  Its not interchangeable and once you love someone, only they can fill that space, and when they are gone, the void is always there.

We did lots on this trip but this trip was for you brother.  I wish I could call you whenever I want.  I really want to talk to you about the Eminem vs Nick Cannon feud.  I want to talk to you about the NFL playoffs.  And I want to go to a concert with you and wish that I had in recent years, like we always said we would.

I don’t guess I’ll ever stop crying completely, and that’s ok.   I’m good.  You’re good.  Goodbye.  I love you little bro.

I am going to watch the games a little different for now on either way!

Firstly, let me say, everyone’s a rock star and amazing but it was humbling to be smack in the middle of a list of people with tens of thousands and in some cases as many as one hundred thousand followers that the hosts introduced as “legends” and “heroes”.  People who have been on the news and on tv shows and written books, CEOs and founders of companies and conferences and villages – and then me…

And they said, “We don’t know this KRENNER”

And I have to admit – I wasn’t prepared as this creeped up on me because, I measure time, if you will, by the events between dates and I had so many things to do between the time I signed up for  this and now, ie my Toorcon talk and trip to New Orleans etc, that I kept thinking, Oh I’ll figure out what to talk about – and then something unexpected came crashing down on me, and it got away from me.

I saw reminder pop up, and decided to talk to some of my recruiters, about a ½ dozen of them, and ask for their best and worst candidates experiences – their years recruiting ranged from 1 to 20 plus yrs

I figured I’d  keep it entertaining but not forget to focus on why things do or don’t work, as best as I’ve observed – and lets face it- that’s kind of phoning it in.

I realized while collecting the data from them, it was not going to be helpful to this audience- I should have asked, what good and bad things do you see consistently – over and over

Because we all should know that you should not to show up drunk for an interview or flip desks over (unless your trying out for WWF)

Although I did share a story about one creepy creeper and what they did to me after my first DEFCON, seriously just in case anyone thinks doing what they did is cool or impressive.

Overall, being helpful is the key to all of this – not just raising  money for good causes – but being the type of community that helps one another.  We teach, we share, we support, and I do think, as much as we can get caught up in drama at times, like any other group of humans on social media – we are a community that supports and helps each other and shares knowledge, and  that’s what BeerCon is and all our conferences and villages etc.

On the subject of helping and volunteering, I intended to and the time slot got away from me, give a shout out to Kathleen Smith, who set me up for my first ever panel and volunteering opportunity about ten years ago and she taught me how to do it and it really shaped and influenced the trajectory of my career.  I can’t tell you how many people I have coached and helped and its all because of her influence on me.

So there I was at 3am Sat morning, on twitter on my phone in bed – couldn’t sleep and out of wine – so what else would I do – and I saw Alyssa Miller’s tweet about crazy job postings – I see this a LOT – and decided to focus on and talk  about that.  How it happens and what to do about it.

If you’re looking for the posting I’m referring to I think the original post was by TProphet, but you’ll see it on my page and Ayssa’s page was well.

Here’s the story I told as an example of how a horrible job post can be born:

Although I’ve been in infosec for a decade, when I first started recruiting it was recruiting it was in telecom, and a good amount of candidates required visas

In hindsight I don’t know if we [hired people needing visas] for cost or necessity but I know  that we had to – per OFCCP  and other federally mandated employment law ordinances – we had to  leave jobs posted for a period of days (length depends on each state) and then prove the individual who we selected, who needed a visa, was more qualified than the US citizens that also applied.  Keep in mind we were still getting applications in the mail at that time and I remember having to keep the  envelopes and staple them to the resumes to prove when we got them.

And I’ll be honest with you, without saying  who I was working for at that time, I’ll say that if we already knew who we wanted, and they needed an H1B, for example, we’d customize the job posting as much as possible, whenever possible, around their  qualifications – and frankly, hope no one else applied to it.

Hypothetically speaking, and let me first say, my company doesn’t do this – I run a legit shop – but if any employer knows who they want to hire before the job is posted- they absolutely will be create the job posting to make it harder for other and a perfect match for the person they want.

Can this bite the employer in the ass – absolutely

How you  ask?

If you know that the person you want to hire was the captain of the lacrosse team back in college, you could say:

Requirements include CISSP, PHD and lacrosse experience, and if f someone that was qualified for the job minus the lacrosse requirement files a complain, and it gets investigated – the employer better be able to justify the lacrosse requirement with a business case.

But that’s not the only way a job posting winds up with an impossible list of requirements.

It could actually be a mistake.  It could be an administrative error.  The ATS could have converted sub bullets into bullets.  The recruiter  could have misunderstood.  If it’s a huge company, this could have just been overlooked because they have hundreds or even thousands of jobs  open.

My company for example is only just  over 1,000 people, and we have over 150 funded jobs open.

So that a couple ways these job postings end up out there – what should you do about it?

Let me tell you my personal opinion of how to respond to these postings.

Are you interested in the company, in the job (title or idea) and do you really want to be considered or are you just so annoyed by how ridiculous it is that you want to apply just for mere sport?

No judgement either way – but I’m here to help the people who really want the job

Step one – Apply

Now you can quote me – One of the most untapped resources on a recruiters desk is the applications – it might fall into a black hole.

So THEN – go on LinkedIn (stay w me here) – look for the company – look for people that work there – find a recruiter – send them a message.

“Hi, I’m Jane Smith – I saw your solutions architect posting – I am a seasoned (or up and coming, whatever makes sense) solutions architect specializing in Splunk deployment with a strong foundation of Linux systems engineering.  I noticed you had a lot of requirements in the posting and wanted to inquire as to how many of them are preferred verses actually required, as I don’t have lacrosse experience and don’t know many engineers that do.

I’m interested in hearing back from you.”

Then wait

One business day.  Two tops

If you don’t hear back, you look for  a director or VP in engineering.

“HI Mary, I noticed you head up the solutions division for XYZ company.  I sent a note to your recruiter, Bartholomew, but haven’t heard back.  Its possible they haven’t seen my message yet but I don’t  want to miss the opportunity to be considered for this position as I’m very I interested blah blah blah

Please take a look at my profile and let me know if you think I might be a fit and I look forward to hearing back”

And since this is a beer con – I decided to throw out a challenge and say – IF YOU DO THIS  – and you don’t  hear back – I WILL BUY YOU A BEER (find me at the CHV at a con near you).

I know it might feel like I just put a lot  of extra work on you but lets all give each other the benefit of the doubt and find ways to hack the system if you will

If I’d had  hours and not  minutes, I’d have gotten into this a lot deeper, and in more detail but the take-away is, there are many mere hurdles you need to overcome to get seen and hired – assuming your qualified – that means you have to get thru a few things:

• the resume,
• the application,
• the shitty job  postings,
• the recruiters – good and bad
• the  volume of other applicants
• the processes and software available to the recruiting teams
• and of course, the interviews

….and once you’ve made it through all these things  – and with a stroke of good fortune – then you get yourself in front of the people with the hiring authority.

Ran out of time but would have liked to spend the last few minutes  on tips for candidates:

– Networking is key –  meaning conferences, villages, CTFs , social media, blogging, and volunteering helps

I cover this in my talks that I do and share my content for others to review and/or present.

Best  of luck to all – and I’m always available on Twitter with open DMs

Nothing makes me happier than hearing I’ve helped someone get an interview, offer or job!!!

Thanks again

BeerFarmer

and

Many Hats Club

Don’t forget to DONATE everyone!!

Be Well,

<3 K

#HereToHelp

The year I turned 45!!!

Between the anniversary of losing my father-in-law, almost losing my little sister, and then losing my baby brother, I’d say 2019 took a few solid swings on my gut.  There was a myriad of other jabs here and there, but nothing we all don’t go through on the daily.  I just wanted to take the time to say it was also a year plenty full of blessings and good times and here are some highlights:

Ø  Spoke at ShmooCon, BSides Tampa, DerbyCon and ToorCon

Ø  Jumped out of an airplane

Ø  My big brother became a Chief of the Fire Department in Memphis!

Ø  My oldest son started working at my company and my youngest son paid cash for his first car!

Ø  I didn’t run an ultra for the first time in 8 years but I did a 40 mile gravel ride and ran a 10k trail race with my son

Ø  Celebrated my husband’s 40^th birthday in New Orleans with our boys and his mom

Ø  Took the trip of a lifetime with my youngest to Santorini Greece

And its not over yet.

Here’s to finishing strong and making 2020 (the year my oldest graduates from college and youngest graduates from high school) a terrific year!!

I’m thankful for all of you that make my life a richer place and hope I contribute to yours in a positive way.

Be well,

*****UPDATE*****

The last event of the year I participated in was BeerConOne and it was AMAZING.  Every bit of fit.

Every participant, the format, the hosts, the content, the mood, the causes, the participants – I loved it and am so glad I did it and can say I was among such a stellar group of folks.

<3 K

There isn’t a long list of people many of us can say we have known since they were born.   Or for 40 years.  Or loved that entire time.  It is a short list.  Someone we can look back to our furthest memories and they were there.  All the ups and down and moves and vacations and pets and moments.  That’s our siblings.

And one of mine is gone now.  My little brother Jonathan.  ‘Joffanin”

He was talented, artistic, musical, funny and easy to talk to.

I have never seen a father or parent for that matter, play more with their kid.  And the very few of us who knew him would say it was partially because he was a little bit of a kid himself still.

He looked up to Buddy, who was always looking out for him.  We all were really.  He was born sick and had a host of health issues most of his life.

Jon was the sweetest little kid.  Easy to make laugh and quiet most of the time.  He was also the kid who couldn’t run fast and didn’t get picked on teams.  He would fall asleep in class or write on the desk.  He didn’t goof off or back talk but he also didn’t do his work.  It became just Jon being Jon.

For a good while he was inseparable from David when we lived together.  Later he was two peas in a pod with Jamie.

He loved the Beatles.  And he loved the Red Sox.  Those things never changed.

Jon could talk about sports and music non-stop and was a walking encyclopedia of knowledge on both subjects.  His humor was dry and his wit was quick.

The older he got, the clearer it was that he had a certain kind of struggle in day to day that never had a label but it was always there.   Adam and I have discussed how some of us have luck and good fortune and others just don’t.  Not that we haven’t all faced struggles, but Jon just couldn’t get out of his  own way.  My parents never stopped taking care of him, for 40 years. < more in the last year than you could ever imagine and I hope no one ever has to see or go through what they all did.  The little me and my boys saw was gut wrenching.

In his adult life he just managed to end up going through things most people never go through and are more like what you’d see on tv and not think the person could survive.  He did though. For a while.

And he just kept going, for his boy.  It got to the point near the end when we just wanted all his suffering to stop.  And this week it finally did.

We talked more in the last few years, especially after he got sick.  He would call or text and it always came back to his son Caleb.  He had so many dreams for him.  I really want them to come true.  So very much I hope for him.

And I really hope there is a Heaven and that he is there.  I know that may sound odd for me to say,  its how I feel today.  I don’t know how it  works.  I don’t know if he can see the people he loved.  But I am imagining he can.  This is the most I have ever cried and it hurts so  much.

Bye little brother.  I love you.

“And when I’m gone just carry on don’t mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice, just know that
I’m lookin’ down on you smilin’
And I didn’t feel a thing so baby, don’t feel no pain, just smile back”

No idea who needs or wants to hear this, but take a little journey with me about this year in my life and my overall wellness.

2019 is the year I presented at ShmooCon, Derbycon and will at Toorcon, three of my most favorite conferences.  I also volunteered at a few (3) BSides, a couple podcasts and of course my biggest event  of the year, DEFCON.  And  I am very proud of all of those things, and they are a big part of who I am.  I don’t want the rest of what Im about to say to take away from that or suggest that I regret the time I put into those things.  I wouldn’t take them away.  2019 is however, the first year in 10 years I didn’t run a single race.  Not one.

To put into perspective how significant that is for me – In nine years,  from  the fall of 2009 to 2018 I ran a total of 41 races (including 13 ultra marathons, 8 fulls and  13 halves) totaling just under 900 racing miles on my feet (lost track of the training miles).

But NOT in 2019.  No races this year!

*I did ride 40 miles of gravel on my bike in the middle of being in the worst shape of my life but that’s nothing comparatively.

I’ll say in this year that I let my fitness tank for a myriad of reasons to include injury, work (commuting 2-4 hrs/day), and varied family issues, I have made strides professionally, both in learning and in accomplishments.  My team is so successful it doesn’t even seem real.

I don’t want to lose  any of [what I did for my career and community],  but I want the other part of my life back.  I want to figure out how to balance it.  For me personally, fitness is part of my mental well-being.

I used to work from home and run a minimum of 5k per day 5 days per week and a minimum of 10, usually more, once per week. I remember “hitting the trail for a few hours” every weekend. Then taking one day “off”.   I also rode my bike a ton and lifted and did HIITs a lot too.

I miss her, that version of me.

I miss comfort and sleep and strength.  I used to be diligent about my nutrition without wavering and now I feel like a lazy slob.

Work and stress and family shit will always be there – they aren’t excuses.

I have all these inspirational tattoos like Molan Labe and Hoka Hey and Philippians 3:14 on my body, but here I am, surrendered.  It’s a self-made prison and I can’t do it anymore.  I’ve seen people I care about do this to themselves and wallow about it, its practically a family tradition, and I want no more parts of it.

I don’t want to dread my own reflection anymore and feel like absolute crap.

I’m not waiting for 2020….

I’m starting today.    Was going to jump on my bike but the tires were flat, so I laced up my sneakers and ran 2 hot, hilly gravel miles.  I got a long way to go but this biatch is BACK.

Be well,

Love K

I have a medical condition that everyone in my life either doesn’t know about, or they don’t understand or care.  I have excruciating pain daily.  For the last ~20 years, pain is normal for me.  Very few things relieve the pain and many things exacerbate it.

Trigeminal Neuralgia.

Rather than try to explain it I’ll just let you look it up and I can try to explain how it came about if anyone wants to know, but that doesn’t matter.  I mean it changes nothing.  There is a cyst  on my brain and that’s it. Its sitting on a nerve connected to my face and  it can be triggered at any time.   Maybe I was born with it and it got aggravated by my TBI or maybe it was a side affect from my head injury.  The doctors have suggested both theories but again, the why here changes nothing.

I have never actually been stabbed in the face with an ice pick, so I cant say for sure that is how it feels, but if there were any way for me to prove or quantify it, I’d guess that’s a good estimate. The most concentrated pain is when I am laying down, in my ears.  It shocks my whole face, and mouth and eyes, through my ears  – one at a time, if that make sense.

My MRIs look like spider webs from “migraine scars”.  The neurologist put it on the wall and acted like I should realize how crazy it looked.  I’d never looked at one before, I had no clue.  He was “amazed”.

“What  do you do for  the pain” he asked.

“Nothing” I said, “I just wait for it to stop, and I mostly don’t sleep, and sometimes I run for 12-24 hrs, because there is no pain when Im running.”

When other people have headaches or pain or concussions, I feel mad at them.  Just being  honest.  I have anger over it. The people did nothing wrong, I just feel mad.

There is no way for any of us to really feel anyone else’s pain  or know what it is like.  Science is all guesses and the simulators that are out there may be close but who knows.  Someone down the street or sitting right beside me might be experiencing something worse.  How could I ever know.  Pain is invisible to everyone else and hard to really have true empathy for.

I don’t take medication (that’s a whole other story) and I have opted not to have the elective surgery where I’d have to sign something that says its ok if it kills or paralyzes me.  I do drink a fuck ton of coffee and plenty of alcohol.  The only other relief I have is running.  But I haven’t had time for that in a long while.

Light hurts.  Sound hurts. And I hate to be touched.  I know that doesn’t make sense, how you touching my arm or my back would hurt my face, but it does.  Just trust me.  Something about the way I tense up before Im about to be  touched or when  I’m reacting to it, sends waves of intense pain.   Its like constant pressure though from basically everyone.  Culturally, people think that if they want to touch you, you should let them and they actually make you feel bad or weird for not wanting to be touched.  People look at me and assume Im pissed or thinking something when Im probably just in pain and trying to tolerate the laser cuts of their voices through my skull.  “What” they ask?  “Nothing” I respond.  Think back to when you were a little kid, “Give your Autie Whats Her Face a hug”

Anyways….

But there I am every day, in the light, with the sound, being  touched.  Wanting to be left alone.  But usually smiling.

I don’t hate most people.  I like them or at least feel bad for them and would like to help them, but I am tired and sometimes mad.  Today Im mad.   As Im writing I am mad.

But I’m really not an angry person.  I used to be only loving and happy.  I fight the anger now.  I  guess they say pain causes depression and anger is how  I process sadness.  I guess.  Thats a story for another day.

Today I feel over looked and taken advantage of and underappreciated, and, well, in a lot of fucking pain.  Just ‘sharing’  I will be fine tomorrow and want to delete this.

I am not sure why I shared really this today.  I am not a fucking victim and  I don’t want you to feel sorry or bad.  I just want to be left alone and not be lonely.  Not sure how to solve that one.

I need to start running again.  When people ask me (over and over), How can you run so far or for so long?  Just know, that if Im on the trail for 12 or 24 hours, that is 12 or 24 hours of no pain and no having to be bothered or fake.  For those periods, there are no emails or phone calls or texts or faces with looks of expectation.

Maybe tomorrow.  Tomorrow is a gift.  Tomorrow  I will run.  My next #ultra is in 75 days.

Queue Fake It by Seether.