*Dedicated to my friend Jodi*

I was not a person of faith – it was always sort of there but not really.  I didnt go to church etc and ironically I definitely went thru stages of outright bitter rejection of the very idea of God – and yet, during the most challenging times of my life – I was directly angry AT the very ‘thing’ I didnt believe in….ie I was ‘mad at God’ and yet, He didn’t exist.

 

I was a single mom, who just got out of the hospital, was recovering from traumatic brain injury and fighting for custody of my toddler son (that is putting a LOT of info into one short summary).

 

One morning I was rushing for the train.  I had just dropped my son at daycare (where he would be for 10 hours) and drove an hour to get to the train.  I ran down the escalator to the platform carrying all my bags and arrived just as the train pulled away.

 

GREAT I exclaimed!!!

 

‘Well maybe you missed it for a reason’, said a low, gentle voice behind me.

 

I turn and see a man with a smile on his face.  Of all the things I don’t have time for on this bitter cold day, knowing I’d have to wait another ten minutes or so for the next train – or I could get on one that would get close to my destination then have to switch, which would be another ten minutes of walking…..my head was spinning.

 

I didn’t respond or smile.

 

‘Who is that on your coat?’ he said, pointing to a pin I had that was a picture of my son.

 

I told him my son’s name, he proceeded to tell me what his name means.  William means, ‘God’s determined protector’, he said.

 

Oh joy, I thought, rolling my eyes, what I do not need today, of all days, where I’m going to be late to work AND have to cut out early so my poor son wont have to spend 12 freaking hours in daycare, and/or have to pay late fees every 15 mins that I rush back to him, is to hear ANOTHER person lecture me about this God dude who keeps letting one terrible thing after another happen to me – and yes he LOOOOOOOOOVES me.  Not today old nice guy – not today buddy.

 

The train arrived and I got on.  The guy sits next to me.  Sigh.  His name is Walter.

 

What are the chances there are two empty seats?

 

45 minutes later, I just heard bible verse after bible verse, but I found myself listening and believing this man was speaking words of love.  I didn’t believe any of it, but I believed the man was sincere.  He insisted on sharing his contact info.

 

Now we skip ahead to a few months later where Im in the middle of yet again another court case pending and worries of an upcoming weekend visitation where I have to let myself get into a state of concern to the point of sick.  He either wont show up and all the worry was for nothing, or he will show up and as they drive away he will call me and say Im never going to see him again because theyre going to drive off a cliff or whatever he comes up with so I can spend the entire weekend wide awake crying and in terror.

 

‘What was it that Walter recently told me?’ I thought to myself.  We’d been exchanging emails a little bit as I slowly found myself basically trying to challenge him by throwing things at him and seeing how he would respond ie Well what does the bible say about this?  And, You say God loves me and yet [insert whatever is going on that seems earth shattering at that time].

 

I remembered he told me about SURRENDER.

He quoted 1 Peter 5:7

 

THIS seemed ludicrous to me.  Here I am, Im down here.  I cant just NOT do what I HAVE to do – I HAVE to go to work, go to court, take care of my son, pay my bills, fight this man….

No one is doing these things for me.

I literally got out of the court ordered part of rehab for my head injury and NEVER went back – I never took care of ME – I couldn’t…..

 

Walter insisted – 1 Peter 5:7

 

My next court date was coming up.  My ex was NEVER going to give up.  He used my son as a weapon.  It was all he had left to hurt me.  How could I protect my son?

 

I remembered a story of a guy from the bible falling on his face to surrender?  I didn’t remember any of the details but then – just like that – having never read the bible or prayed – I got down on the floor, face first.

 

I said, God, If you are up there – take my son – take him – he is yours now – not mine.  I keep saying that I know exactly what is best for him but I don’t – you do.  Whatever happens at court, whatever happens every day – you are in control.  I no longer even know what to ask for or try for – I surrender.  Take my son, he is yours, do whatever is best for him.

 

I cried.  I cried so hard.

 

The phone rang – it was very early.  It was my lawyer.  He never called, his staff called, what the heck?

 

‘He signed away his rights – its over’

 

WHAT.    What just happened?

 

And this is my testimony.  This is where I have to remind myself – all things, big and small – illness, tragedy, finances, and parking spaces – they are all in His hands.

 

Today, looking down at what is left of my knee, that I still cant bend – not knowing if I will ever run again, literally – I think to the time I don’t remember when I was told I will never walk again, and I smile.  Its not in my hands.

 

James 4:7

Romans 12:2

Matthew 26:39

Psalm 46:10

Joshua 1:9

James 1:2-3

Isaiah 12:2