kirsten's thoughts, mostly running-related

Just another blog ~ some helpful stuff ~ some feelings etc

Month: June 2014

surrender

June 21, 2014 /

*Dedicated to my friend Jodi*

I was not a person of faith – it was always sort of there but not really.  I didnt go to church etc and ironically I definitely went thru stages of outright bitter rejection of the very idea of God – and yet, during the most challenging times of my life – I was directly angry AT the very ‘thing’ I didnt believe in….ie I was ‘mad at God’ and yet, He didn’t exist.

 

I was a single mom, who just got out of the hospital, was recovering from traumatic brain injury and fighting for custody of my toddler son (that is putting a LOT of info into one short summary).

 

One morning I was rushing for the train.  I had just dropped my son at daycare (where he would be for 10 hours) and drove an hour to get to the train.  I ran down the escalator to the platform carrying all my bags and arrived just as the train pulled away.

 

GREAT I exclaimed!!!

 

‘Well maybe you missed it for a reason’, said a low, gentle voice behind me.

 

I turn and see a man with a smile on his face.  Of all the things I don’t have time for on this bitter cold day, knowing I’d have to wait another ten minutes or so for the next train – or I could get on one that would get close to my destination then have to switch, which would be another ten minutes of walking…..my head was spinning.

 

I didn’t respond or smile.

 

‘Who is that on your coat?’ he said, pointing to a pin I had that was a picture of my son.

 

I told him my son’s name, he proceeded to tell me what his name means.  William means, ‘God’s determined protector’, he said.

 

Oh joy, I thought, rolling my eyes, what I do not need today, of all days, where I’m going to be late to work AND have to cut out early so my poor son wont have to spend 12 freaking hours in daycare, and/or have to pay late fees every 15 mins that I rush back to him, is to hear ANOTHER person lecture me about this God dude who keeps letting one terrible thing after another happen to me – and yes he LOOOOOOOOOVES me.  Not today old nice guy – not today buddy.

 

The train arrived and I got on.  The guy sits next to me.  Sigh.  His name is Walter.

 

What are the chances there are two empty seats?

 

45 minutes later, I just heard bible verse after bible verse, but I found myself listening and believing this man was speaking words of love.  I didn’t believe any of it, but I believed the man was sincere.  He insisted on sharing his contact info.

 

Now we skip ahead to a few months later where Im in the middle of yet again another court case pending and worries of an upcoming weekend visitation where I have to let myself get into a state of concern to the point of sick.  He either wont show up and all the worry was for nothing, or he will show up and as they drive away he will call me and say Im never going to see him again because theyre going to drive off a cliff or whatever he comes up with so I can spend the entire weekend wide awake crying and in terror.

 

‘What was it that Walter recently told me?’ I thought to myself.  We’d been exchanging emails a little bit as I slowly found myself basically trying to challenge him by throwing things at him and seeing how he would respond ie Well what does the bible say about this?  And, You say God loves me and yet [insert whatever is going on that seems earth shattering at that time].

 

I remembered he told me about SURRENDER.

He quoted 1 Peter 5:7

 

THIS seemed ludicrous to me.  Here I am, Im down here.  I cant just NOT do what I HAVE to do – I HAVE to go to work, go to court, take care of my son, pay my bills, fight this man….

No one is doing these things for me.

I literally got out of the court ordered part of rehab for my head injury and NEVER went back – I never took care of ME – I couldn’t…..

 

Walter insisted – 1 Peter 5:7

 

My next court date was coming up.  My ex was NEVER going to give up.  He used my son as a weapon.  It was all he had left to hurt me.  How could I protect my son?

 

I remembered a story of a guy from the bible falling on his face to surrender?  I didn’t remember any of the details but then – just like that – having never read the bible or prayed – I got down on the floor, face first.

 

I said, God, If you are up there – take my son – take him – he is yours now – not mine.  I keep saying that I know exactly what is best for him but I don’t – you do.  Whatever happens at court, whatever happens every day – you are in control.  I no longer even know what to ask for or try for – I surrender.  Take my son, he is yours, do whatever is best for him.

 

I cried.  I cried so hard.

 

The phone rang – it was very early.  It was my lawyer.  He never called, his staff called, what the heck?

 

‘He signed away his rights – its over’

 

WHAT.    What just happened?

 

And this is my testimony.  This is where I have to remind myself – all things, big and small – illness, tragedy, finances, and parking spaces – they are all in His hands.

 

Today, looking down at what is left of my knee, that I still cant bend – not knowing if I will ever run again, literally – I think to the time I don’t remember when I was told I will never walk again, and I smile.  Its not in my hands.

 

James 4:7

Romans 12:2

Matthew 26:39

Psalm 46:10

Joshua 1:9

James 1:2-3

Isaiah 12:2

 

where I belong

June 19, 2014 /

I have no idea why I registered for the Diva race in Sept – impulsivity I guess.   Everything about [the race] annoys me and/or does not appeal to me.  I don’t want to wear a tutu or a tiara.  Not that Ive never pretended to be a girly-girl, but that is not who I am and not the sort of crowd I even want to be around.

I guess if someone were doing it w me I could enjoy it w that person, but, I don’t think I will enjoy the experience.  Honestly, I don’t really see myself doing any street races anymore.  Something will really have to twist my arm to compel me to run a non-trail race again.

I just want to be on the trail – yes, the place where I cut my knee open – its where I am happy.

I want to be around people like the BadToTheBone and NorthFace and AthleticEquation crowds.

Theyre my kind of people.

So – I just registered for the AE 12-Hour Race in Sept (the week after the Diva that I likely wont do) *does anyone see a pattern here ie not doing Zooma the week before NF 😉

And yes, I plan to do the AE 24 Hour again next Spring.

Beyond that, I get my stitches out tomorrow – and I’m gonna fix the tires on my bike and start riding in addition to strength/core, that’s how I plan to spend my summer.  See you in Sept along the Quantico River 😀

12 hr map

Feelings about pain meds and such

June 8, 2014 /

First, I am neither a scientist nor a medical professional.  I will mess up terminology and my theories will be unfounded & nonsensical perhaps.

I also am not passing judgment on anyone else or suggesting what anyone else should do in any situation – as we are all individuals and each situation is unique.  And for the record not only did I get a morphine drip for a second yesterday, they also tried to get me to take Percocet and wrote me an Rx for Vicodin (I didn’t take the pills and didn’t fill the script – but I did have a glass of wine when I got home).

Now that that is out of the way lets talk about me and pain medication and what not.

Some of you know that I suffered a traumatic head injury about 15 yrs ago.    This has caused my natural pain-gauge to go off kilter and I find it difficult to provide accurate measurements to what I’m experiencing at times.  This can be useful and a bit of a curse, depending on how you look at it.

I have a notion that I’m just going to throw out there.  I don’t think pain medications work on me – at all – period.  Like I am mostly immune to them, if that is a thing.

Twelve yrs ago when I was having my second son (post tbi) I don’t think the epidural worked.  I ended up with some permanent numbness (in my legs) but that is the only thing I can tell you that epidural did to me.  It was the only sensation I was aware of.

I usually refuse pain meds, not because I am cool or tough, I have my own reasons that are personal and about me and no one else – but yesterday they gave me a morphine drip prior to cleaning out the wound.  It made my arm itch like crazy – but  as soon as I realized what was going on, I unplugged the syringe that had the dope in it.    I don’t know how much of it got in me – but I know it had zero affect on my leg (I did start to giggle and the room got very bright & blurry for a few mins).

THEN the doctor started shooting lidocaine directly into the open wound and under the flaps of skin.  Not only did I feel every injection, I then felt EVERTHING she did to me.  I watched the whole time and it was not in my head, I did not imagine it.  I felt when she cut my skin off, I felt when she scraped the rocks out, I felt when she flushed and scrubbed and I felt the needle and thread going in and out.  Not the nudge of it, the very stinging, burning sensation of it.  I was screaming like a maniac and my poor husband said, “She doesn’t cry like that it hurts her”.

She told me to look away and that it was ‘impossible’ for me to ‘metabolize to the drugs’ [and feel the pain].

What she doesn’t know is that my brain works different.  I BELIEVE that the way opiates work are by hindering or obstructing a signal in your brain that tells you youre in pain and that somewhere among what I imagine to be a spider web or highway of connections in my brain that carries those signals, there is a road block.

In the same way that I have complete numbness in some parts of my body, and an inability to experience pain at other times, narcotics just don’t work for me.

When the impact occurred many years ago, leaving my skull fractured and me in a coma, it shook things up and left the ‘synapse roadmap’ askew in my head, and for that reason, the little neurons or electrons or whatever the fuck they are, don’t make it to their intended destination.

That is my theory.  So yeah, by all means, if you get a tooth extracted or strain your back or whatever and the medication does its job and provides you with relief, good, that’s what it is supposed to do but for me, it just doesn’t work – and I don’t like feeling loopy in my head, especially when it doesn’t take the pain away any how.

So please, if you made it this far in my silly little post, pray that my cut heals and does not get infected – because I don’t want them to have to open it up and reclose it.  ((unless it is a lesson for me to experience the pain to be more sensitive to others who have pain))

Thank you – be well,

Luv K

 

 

dnf

June 8, 2014 /

I didn’t run the Zooma Half last weekend so I’d be ready & healthy for the North Face EC today.  And I was ready.   It started out great, I had good coffee, I got to see Dean Karnazes again and the weather was perfect.

More than half way through, I felt good and I was doing well.  When I was approaching the turning point in the course, the two course workers were clapping and shouting “There she is, she’s looking great”

I assumed they were speaking about someone behind me that they knew but I didn’t do my usual smile or look back.  The course looked a little different than I remembered it from 3 years ago.

After they marked my bib and sent me on my way, I turned and realized they’d been speaking to me.

I felt excited and proud.  I looked at my watch and realized I was on point to finish in under 8 hours  which gave me an hour of leeway and put me way under the deadline.  In that moment I was elated.

I’d not run since the 50 miles a month before other than a few one mile light jogs here and there, and had been primarily just doing strength and core at home.  And yet I was going to finish strong.

I waved and thanked them for cheering for me.  I started to almost leap carelessly for just a bit.

Then I lost my footing on one of the most technical and rocky stretches.  I had just taken off my gloves (because my hands were swelling) and I felt myself flying forward.  I screamed.

Suddenly there were other runners coming towards me.  One by one they started to show and stand around me.  I didn’t realize how bad it was.  They were looking for tissues and asking me what they could do.  They moved me off to the side.  The crowd was growing.  I literally believed I would just wrap it up and be on my way.

I kept telling them to leave me and not mess up their times.  I wish I could remember all their names and thank them.

The two guys who were cheering for me called the medical emergency staff to come get me.  It took them  a while to arrive, because the course was super narrow and I was clear out in the middle of no darn where.

The jeep arrived and the EMTs rinsed off my knee.  I was squeezing someone’s hand off from the pain.  They wrapped it up tight and said it definitely needed to be stitched but that they couldn’t stitch it because it was full of rocks and it needed to be cleaned out, and they weren’t equipped to do that in the field.

“But I want to finish, you wrapped it, I’m more than half done, let me finish, its just a couple more hours”

“You’re bleeding right through the bandages, we’ve already called an ambulance and you need to go to a  hospital”

And just like that I was a DNF.

The jeep ride back was an adventure to say the least.  Runners who were wearing headphones despite the rule not to, couldnt hear us beeping.  The trail was barely as wide as the jeep and the drop was hundreds of feet if we were to go over the edge.

That wasn’t the scariest part of the afternoon though.  After an enjoyable ambulance ride, I had to sit and wait for hours for them to clean all the rocks out of my knee.

I wont go into many more details or share the pictures that Im not sure why I took (and if youre super lucky I txt’d to you today).  I sure was nervous though.

My normally low 77/52 bloodpressure spiked when they started messing w it to 115/80 (normal for some people but not me).

At this point I was squeezing Steve’s hand and watching w/ terror every poke, scrub, prod and clip.   The doctor thought I should look away but I just couldn’t.

Again I wish I knew everyone’s name so I could send thank you cards.  I know they were all just doing their jobs but I appreciated them all very much.

Now I have to monitor my knee closely for two wks for signs of infection, as so much flesh is gone there is only so much that could be done and it is basically a raw, seeping wound for now.

This is the part in the story where I say Everything Happens for a Reason and There’s Always a Next Time and {fill in all the similar comments} – yeah, I get it and guess what, I know and I understand and it will all be ok and I need to heal and so on – but today – Im sad – Im very sad – I keep randomly crying.

But I’ll get over it….and I’ll run again.

 

dnf1 dnf3 dnf2

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