I have written this post a few times…..
2014 SUCKED – hard. Listing it all out is pointless.
That’s ok. Do I have a ton of regrets? Sure. Do I have left over pain and confusion? A little.
However ~ I have an overwhelmingly strong surge of motivation and positive vibes in me!
This 40th year of my life was filled with things I’d never imagined that might cause some people to roll over and you know what – I almost did. But screw that.
Im closing out this shitastic year having recently lost approx 15 lbs.
Im currently registered for three races with at least three others on the docket. I am looking forward to a PR or two and redemption for my nasty, bloody DNF last year.
There is a thing – a challenge if you will, in the next few wks – it seems complicated but if you really spin it around, its quite simple. Its on me. Whatever happens, I wouldnt want to influence it if I could, thats not what I want. You have to know what you can control and what you cant and if you want to dig into what might be your motivation or purpose, figuring that out is for you – but don’t try to understand anyone else.
And moreover, know that you have been promised that God will grant your every heart’s desire – if you fear Him. That means if your desires are righteous and not of a sinful nature, they shall be granted. This takes trust and faith. Ref Psalm 147:11 and Matthew 6:33
Its easy to trust in a plan you understand, it’s a greater test of your strength to believe in a plan that not only doesn’t make sense, it hurts deeply.
Its ok. I got this.
I got 2015.
1 half, 2 fulls, a 50k and a 24Hr Trail. I will PR, I will BQ and I will not get hurt.
My marriage is in God’s hands, as are my children. I am blessed beyond words.
Tag: running (Page 2 of 3)
In less than 3 wks Im attempting to run a half marathon. This will be my first race since my dnf if June as a result of the ‘Knee Wrecking Fall’ (do not scroll all the way to the end of that post if you have a weak stomach).
Before my first @BadToTheBone ultra I fell down a mountain and broke my stupid hand. This caused me to have a fear of falling when running down hill that it took me a while to get over.
Now I am there again – running reluctantly. This knee thing sucks.
The flesh is literally not completely healed and it happened at the beginning of June. The problem is there is still debris trying to get out, and so, I still have a little yucky spot that isn’t all the way healed.
ANYWAY – I haven’t been training really. I have a 12 hour schedule for this month as well – and also a 5k where I’ll be pushing a stroller w/ a ‘Captain’. I will do the 5k but lets face it, I’m in no position to take on another ultra – I don’t even know if I’ll finish the half – and that is not something I ever thought I’d hear myself say. Regular Me can do a couple halfs per wk on a weekly basis – but yeah, I don’t know if I’ll be up for this, so I’m going into it just for fun. My PR is 2 hrs and Im hoping to around 3ish.
I haven’t been posting much or writing much because there are still so many things unresolved I have been waiting for answers before I check in.
If you remember when I was sick during my marathon in March, and thought it was salmonella – then it didn’t go away so we tested for everything from parasites, vitamin deficiency, anemia, infections, Lyme, rhabdomyolosis…..it all came back negative/normal….
But I am still sick. Im as sick at I was mid-way through that marathon.
Im having a bunch of tests done next week to include upper endoscopy, biopsies etc – we’re looking for quite a few things and as long as theyre doing this most invasive stuff…they have me doing a gluten challenge after 11 yrs of being gluten free.
THIS SUCKS
At least I know this – I know that no matter what the tests say – I know that gluten makes me feel terrible – so, I’ll be going gluten free again when this is all over.
I will continue to eat clean, lean and gluten free forever. And I’m open to keep making adjustments here and there in search of what is best for me (and my family). There is so much to think about and learn about.
Im sharing this just in case one other person has any of the same issues or ever comes across it – so I can hopefully be of some help. I’ll keep ya’ll posted. Procedures are Tues am.
I decided that regardless of having not yet accomplished all of the things I’d hoped to get done in my running career, I did a lot in a short time. If they tell me I cant run anymore, I’m going to be ok. I don’t know if I’ll listen, Im kind of an idiot like that – but maybe I will. And its going to be ok either way.
11 half marathons, 6 full marathons, 3 50ks, 2 50 Miler and a handful of smaller races in under 5 yrs can be my story if that’s whats meant to be. And Im over 700 miles already this yr – likely to finish w at least 1k for the yr, which will put me at 1k or more each yr for 5 yrs in a row 🙂
One of my tattoos is a pair of running shoes – if that signifies only 5 yrs of my life, that’s cool w me. The other one simply says: Philippians 3:12 ~ Meaning: Though I may not have yet arrive [to be who I can be or should be or was meant to be] – I press forward – never giving up.
One Step at a Time.
Be well everyone.
First, I am neither a scientist nor a medical professional. I will mess up terminology and my theories will be unfounded & nonsensical perhaps.
I also am not passing judgment on anyone else or suggesting what anyone else should do in any situation – as we are all individuals and each situation is unique. And for the record not only did I get a morphine drip for a second yesterday, they also tried to get me to take Percocet and wrote me an Rx for Vicodin (I didn’t take the pills and didn’t fill the script – but I did have a glass of wine when I got home).
Now that that is out of the way lets talk about me and pain medication and what not.
Some of you know that I suffered a traumatic head injury about 15 yrs ago. This has caused my natural pain-gauge to go off kilter and I find it difficult to provide accurate measurements to what I’m experiencing at times. This can be useful and a bit of a curse, depending on how you look at it.
I have a notion that I’m just going to throw out there. I don’t think pain medications work on me – at all – period. Like I am mostly immune to them, if that is a thing.
Twelve yrs ago when I was having my second son (post tbi) I don’t think the epidural worked. I ended up with some permanent numbness (in my legs) but that is the only thing I can tell you that epidural did to me. It was the only sensation I was aware of.
I usually refuse pain meds, not because I am cool or tough, I have my own reasons that are personal and about me and no one else – but yesterday they gave me a morphine drip prior to cleaning out the wound. It made my arm itch like crazy – but as soon as I realized what was going on, I unplugged the syringe that had the dope in it. I don’t know how much of it got in me – but I know it had zero affect on my leg (I did start to giggle and the room got very bright & blurry for a few mins).
THEN the doctor started shooting lidocaine directly into the open wound and under the flaps of skin. Not only did I feel every injection, I then felt EVERTHING she did to me. I watched the whole time and it was not in my head, I did not imagine it. I felt when she cut my skin off, I felt when she scraped the rocks out, I felt when she flushed and scrubbed and I felt the needle and thread going in and out. Not the nudge of it, the very stinging, burning sensation of it. I was screaming like a maniac and my poor husband said, “She doesn’t cry like that it hurts her”.
She told me to look away and that it was ‘impossible’ for me to ‘metabolize to the drugs’ [and feel the pain].
What she doesn’t know is that my brain works different. I BELIEVE that the way opiates work are by hindering or obstructing a signal in your brain that tells you youre in pain and that somewhere among what I imagine to be a spider web or highway of connections in my brain that carries those signals, there is a road block.
In the same way that I have complete numbness in some parts of my body, and an inability to experience pain at other times, narcotics just don’t work for me.
When the impact occurred many years ago, leaving my skull fractured and me in a coma, it shook things up and left the ‘synapse roadmap’ askew in my head, and for that reason, the little neurons or electrons or whatever the fuck they are, don’t make it to their intended destination.
That is my theory. So yeah, by all means, if you get a tooth extracted or strain your back or whatever and the medication does its job and provides you with relief, good, that’s what it is supposed to do but for me, it just doesn’t work – and I don’t like feeling loopy in my head, especially when it doesn’t take the pain away any how.
So please, if you made it this far in my silly little post, pray that my cut heals and does not get infected – because I don’t want them to have to open it up and reclose it. ((unless it is a lesson for me to experience the pain to be more sensitive to others who have pain))
Thank you – be well,
Luv K
I wrote my oldest a note today about why working hard is important. I have lucked and good-fortuned my way through so many things in this life, and misplaced value and focus over and over. People think that I must be naturally motivated and hardworking to do ultras and I can see why that is a natural guess, but really, Im as lazy as the next person. I’m just super stubborn.
Every choice we make from workouts to meals, as well as our very moods and thoughts, are up to us. I want my kids to WANT something, be tested by it, work for it and accomplish it. No medal or praise or compliment in the world feels as good as the sensation of achievement over challenge.
Maybe I choose racing because for me it is easier to get that high than to be successful in so many of the other [more practical/important] aspects of everyday life – or the odds are more certainly in my favor. Either way, I know that as much as Maslow’s hierarchy theory makes sense, the longing that is embedded down inside of each of us was put there by God and can only be filled and satisfied by Him.
So whatever you decide to strive for – and you should, you should try – just don’t replace seeking God as your ultimate goal and desire.
Bell well
<3 K
If you didn’t read it on my facebook page, I have accessory bones and that means, excessive trauma (like an ultra) can cause sprain-like condition. This would make certain post-race injuries make more sense looking back, but it isn’t consistent as Ive done plenty of ultras and marathons w no injury.
Now that I know my ankle is neither broken nor sprained, I really want to do the rest of my races for the year. I know that I would have kept running for 7 more hours if my feet/ankles didn’t hurt so bad and I don’t know if it will happen again, particularly the half next weekend.
Honestly, even if Im all healed, my toenails are terribly bruised and falling off. Its very sore.
In all likelihood, I won’t do the Annapolis Half, but I’m very fond of North Face Endurance and want to do something there. Maybe I’ll down grade to a shorter distance.
Well lets face it. I wont be ready for another 50 Miler so soon after the last one. So I want to do either 50k or a ½. Why? Why not consider a full?
Because a full is a lot of work and a 50k isn’t that much more – so, if Im feeling like I can put the time in, Im doing a 50k, if not, I think I can do a half. I’ll have to decide soon.
Anyone want my Annapolis Half bib??
First of all, I don’t share my trials for sympathy or my accomplishments for praise. I share as part of a community that helps one another. Certainly if I were to read something like what I’m about to tell you all, I’d keep it in mind if I were to get hurt after a race.
There isn’t a ton of information online because only 2% of people have what showed up on my xray today of my foot/ankle. ‘Accessory Bones’, not one, or two, but three. And that is just my right foot. I’m sure I have it on the other side too, because this exact same thing has happened on the left.
After I ran the New Orleans marathon my left foot and ankle swelled for no reason (nothing happened). They called it a sprain and wrapped it, told me to elevate, take anti-inflammatory and ice it. This does not happen EVERY time I run, but it did happen this time again. But now it was on the right side and I told myself (and others), no need to go to Dr, I have experience w this, you get a walking cast and [all the things I already mentioned]. Which is true, especially because it is on the right, so I cant drive for six wks w a hard cast.
It has been a few days and today I happened to be in town taking care of some other things, I had a bit to kill, so, I swung into urgent care for an xray – might as well, I have insurance.
This is where they tell me I have these bones in my foot and that although usually asymptomatic, if aggravated (by excessive activity for example) it can seem like a sprain (pain and swelling) and is treated the same way.
So this is new, I’ll see a specialist – maybe, in my spare time. And we’ll see. I’m not sure why this never showed up before or no one ever noticed or told me. I guess my point is had I not gone for the xray today I wouldn’t know – I don’t know if it matters or I can do anything about it (I read it can be surgically removed but doubt I’ll do that when a week of rest and ice makes it all better) – but I’m glad I know. The foot/ankle pain is what stopped me from finishing Sat/Sun, and maybe it will prevent me similar challenges in the future (as I wasn’t tired nor did I have pain anywhere else) but at least I do know had I pushed thru it I would be ok afterwards…
In other words, should I give up something I love because of something temporary? Probably not. Dont get me wrong, I’m always open to anything – I just wont be forced into something w out good reason.
They were wrong about rhabdo and every other thing they tested me for. Maybe I was just stressed out and tired or maybe I had a random virus that mysteriously dosent show up in bloodwork. I don’t know, but neither does anyone else, so unless someone can show me come concrete and tangible thing I can understand, I’m not changing my life drastically.
One Step at a Time. Still processing.
ps I’m glad I had a friend with me today to see the xrays and hear the doctor explain it, or else I wouldnt believe it either.
It was hard to wrap 17+ hrs up in one little blog post. I skipped a ton of stuff that I will try to capture/highlight here, if only for myself. It was also pointed out to me how convoluted my previous post was – haha – Im not going to go back and fix it tho, it is just where my head was – after no sleep for three days and a little bit of pain killers (well RX anti-inflammatory that probably expired four yrs ago but whatevs).
The race story really starts Friday night just after the pre-race dinner/meeting. I called my friend, Harmony who didn’t live too far from the course and we were to meet up and spend a little time together. But I had little to no cell coverage and could hardly call, text or use gps. I started to have a full-on breakdown. I screamed, I cried, I was lost, I felt like everything was caving in on me. This was: taper + biggest race ever + Ive been sick and still don’t know why + where am I + Im starving + I have no technology to help me – all wrapped up in one. She was so sweet, so patient. A long while later we were finally connected. She took me to REI and helped me find what I needed then treated me to a fantastic dinner and gave me a beautiful sparkly bracelet that said BELIEVE. I really don’t know how much better of a friend she could have been to me in that moment.
Now we skip to the part where my husband drives 2 hrs in the middle of the night, just to get no sleep at all w me then drive back home at the crack of dawn to take on two kids and a basketball tournament….
*Now back to the race*
I talked previously about the moment of deciding if I could go any further and then the last bits (9 hrs) and the people who helped me – but I didn’t say much about the first 8 hours which I spent with two amazing people who I couldn’t have done it without – Rachel and Cori. We bonded and chatted and devised plans and methodologies on various parts of the course ie where to run and where to walk and where to turn….reminding each other to drink etc. It was a lollipop course that you could choose to run in either direction. Different people chose different directions for different reasons. It came down to choosing between steeper inclines for longer stretches of downward motion verses short steep inclines and longer upwards with a gradual slope. After trying both the three of us agreed we preferred to tough out short steep inclines as the declines we more painful in the extreme, and conversely, we could literally run super fast on the long downs. Either way, there were narrow rocky parts that were unrunable regardless.
I hope to find their contact info because we lost touch in the second half (they kept going when I took my icing-the-ankle-break). I do know that Rachel finished 8 loops and Cori finished 7.
Some highlights overall include:
– Again, the food & support crew
– There was a waterfall, and whenever I heard it up in the distance, it was a signal to me that the final turn was just ahead
– Even though the bridge caused an optical illusion that made us all dizzy, it was really pretty
– There were REAL bathrooms, it was quite a treat
– The sound of the water all around us was soothing
– The stars were so bright through the trees
– None of the animals attacked us 😉 they just provided ambiance
– Every person I met and encountered was helpful and kind and it was very cool to watch everyone helping each other in ways big and small
– A few of us saw a bridge washed away by the storm during Lap 1 and stopped to fix it – we all worked together as a team, it was very motivating and positive
And finally:
– We logged over 200 miles and $2,000 for Jodi 😉
Overall it was a non-stop myriad of blessings and pleasant surprises. So much goodness in people and nature. An experience I wouldn’t trade for anything and look forward to doing again!!!
Let me start by saying 17 hours and 11 minutes later, I am sure that was the best racing experience of my life. Having accomplished 50 miles previously in less than 12 hours on a fairly technical course, you can imagine how technical this course was to have taken me that long.
After the 6th lap I was at about the time I’d finished JFK, I had another 2 laps to go to get to 50, and although still on track for accomplishing 100k w time to spare, it was very much not a priority as much as a fleeting idea or matter of fact that I was completely ready to ignoring entirely.
I made a lot of promises to people who care about me and matter to me, and most of all to myself about listening to my body and just enjoying the experience – nothing more.
First of all – the folks at Athletic Equation put on a second to none organized event with the best support crew and food I have ever experienced – with round the clock cooks providing a terrific spread to a support staff that knows you and takes care of you every minutes. I had nothing to worry about. I cant say enough about all of them.
At the pre-race dinner-meeting a lady got up and told a story. I couldn’t hold back the tears. You know I went into this having been sick for many weeks with three different doctors having no idea why – and subsequently being insufficiently trained to say the least. And her words touched me deep to my core, they were just what I needed to hear and they reaffirmed that I’d made the right decision showing up despite all of the suggestion that I shouldn’t. This lady understood – I hoped we’d get a chance to talk, and little did I know, we would…
So I had no big expectations. I was happy just to be there. From minute I arrived it was a great experience (minus the camping which just isn’t my cup of tea). I knew the area and had enjoyed the trail on a few recent occasions, and was happy to just walk it. I got NO sleep the night before (note the camping comment) and ended up calling my poor husband at 11pm and begging him to drive two hrs and come lay w me to help me try to rest. He did show up which is so nice but needless to say we were both too uncomfortable to sleep. Lesson learned – next year (YES I PLAN TO DO IT AGAIN) , I’ll stay in the bunk dorm not a private cabin – OR a nearby hotel.
Anyways, up at the crack of dawn welcomed by a nice breakfast but no appetite. This [state of no desire to eat] maintains for the next 20 hours – I don’t want to eat anything and if you know me, you know that I normally have an INSATIABLE appetite all day every day. But nothing appealed to me (not that it didn’t look and taste and smell great and I just had no urge to eat anything. I think my focus was mostly on drinking enough, but for some reason I can never really judge my intake on my own.
This is a good time to start talking about the importance of a crew. I remember in my first ultra (50k) I’d separated from my team and was in such a groove I had no desire to do anything but run – I felt great and ran past aid stations w out even stopping – although achieving a PR that has never been even close to broken – I became severely dehydrated and could have killed myself (but felt great ).
Then in my first 50 Miler Steve kept bringing me food all day – then in the last 15 or so miles, I had zero sense of anything – pain, distance, time, depth perception – and of course thirst and hunger – My trainer just kept asking me questions and telling me what to eat and drink.
Last night was very much like this. The crew would check my bag and tell me what I need and I just listened (well mostly I did).
Around 50k Jean showed up. She brought me a gluten free pizza (which ultimately was one of the only things I would eat the whole time) and the most mouth watering brownies I have ever eaten that she fixed for me.
She also brought me things I’d never even thought of like a reflective belt, extra batteries, a hand-held flashlight (that was very bright and ended up being my main light source rather than the headlamp) and so much more. She took over the role of monitoring my intake and telling me what to do and I tried to listen. ((she also joined the race crew and helped many other people))
At first I told her “Sorry you came all this way but I’m done, my race is over”. After 30 miles of running strong and happy and painfree (averaging a sub 2 hr loop each time), I’d landed wrong on a rock and twisted my ankle badly. She took off my shoe and iced me and started talking to me.
She asked me where my ‘enjoyment level’ was – she got me to really look at what I was doing and why and how did I feel.
We decided to do a loop together and take it one step at a time and reevaluate after. But first, we iced it and wrapped it and did a little stretching.
The loop went well – not even much slower than the last 5. More importantly, we ran into Felecia, the girl who spoke the night before. The three of us became an item 😉
For the first several hours of the race Felicia was in the top 10, and on the road to at least 100k if not 75, with time to spare. But she’d just landed wrong like I did, and aggravated her IT band, and if you check out her blog I posted on my page, you’ll see that she has too much planned to risk anything now.
So there we both were – reassessing what we were shooting for and why, moment by moment, evaluating risk and deciding accordingly. We both felt like we could go again and we did – slowly. We talked and talked!
The moon was a sliver and the stars were twinkling high above the towering treetops in the cool spring night air. The sound of the water ever in the background like white noise. Animals were shifting around in the leaves in the dark. We saw everything from snakes to moles and lizards – and well, my peripherals played tricks on me and made tree stumps look like black bears.
For lap 8 Charlie showed up. We really couldn’t have done this lap w out him. This was 8 for me and 9 for Felecia. The track had gone through a lot w/ all the crazy recent storms we just had and even knocked out bridges and creating a few hazards and spots that you literally had to leap over to get by. At this point when we reached rocks and slopes that we’d previously sailed through, Charlie stood and gave us a hand one by one as we came around the loop one last time in roughly three and a half hours – more than twice as long as it took earlier in the morning.
When the clock struck 12 we all cheered in the night. We’d made it to the next day. We discussed it and agreed that neither of us felt the need to go any further and that we were pleased with what we had done. We knew people would say “But Felecia, only one more loop to 100k” and “Kirsten, you have two more in you” – and we both knew those things were true, but it didn’t matter, we were happy and at peace w our decision to cross the lap finish one more time and no more. We will use prudence, she said. And we agreed.
I was happy the whole time. No regrets, no stress – just happy – even when I had pain at the very end. Thats just it – you’ll need bravery, tenacity, loyalty, strength – you’ll need so many things – then mix in PRUDENCE, and proceed.
And when we got back to my cabin to clean and pack, I found a beautiful big banner decorated by Jean with loving messages all over it. All I could do was cry joyfully.
I have a half at the end of the month and another 50 miler one month away, neither of which I currently think are going to happen and I’m ok with that. I’m very much ok with everything turning out however it is supposed to – almost Zen-like peace – and I don’t even need to know or plan – I can just BE.
Psalm 46:10
Goals in layers:
– Layer 1, Get cleared by the doctor
– Layer 2, Make it to 50 miles
– Layer 3, 100k, a new distance PR
– Layer 4, 75 Miles, another medal 😉
– Layer 5, complete the full 24-Hours w/ out stopping and just see how far I can go….
That’s it really.
- Overall banner goal – raise $10,000 for Jodi – you know, just so I can dye my hair purple and shave it off.
Holding the rest of my thoughts until it is all over…
In response to some twitter posts recently, let me start by saying I do what works for me and feels right. You have to do what works for you as well. I hope that the successes and failures I share will help you, but by no means do I think there is one way to do things that will work for everyone. We all have to do our own thing.
People often ask about what is the big differentiation in terms of training for an ultra, rather than a marathon. There are a few things I had to learn, to include bricking, pacing-down and ‘learning to walk’, but today I’ll start with nutrition. If youre running for 8 or more hours, you’re going to have to consume more than just a sports drink or energy gel to keep going.
While you are doing your long training runs (and hopefully you’re doing back-to-back longs, but not more than 20 miles imo) – bring food. Try one thing at a time, so you can test how you will react to it. This doesn’t mean that you’ll react the exact same way every time, or that the same things will always appeal to you – every run can be different – but just try one thing at a time.
Aid stations are going to have things like fruit, cookies, crackers and chips etc. Since I am gluten free, I can not always indulge in what is being provided. So I have to bring my own stuff, by way of drop bags, backpack and/or crew. Examples of things I have eaten are pretzels, nut butter sandwiches, doubleshots (this is probably not good advice because coffee is a dietetic but I crave it during runs), roasted salty potatoes (omg yes); and crispy turkey bacon (don’t judge me).
I also water down sports drinks – I don’t drink them straight – they irritate me. I water them at least half and half or even one part electrolytes and two parts water. Salt is important – it can take cramps away, as can bananas ie potassium. Some people like fruit and candy etc, but I usually cant stomach anything sweet.
Anyways – when youre out training for 3 or 4 hours, bring a little food. Youll be glad on race day when you have made a habit out of eating-on-the-run.
<3 K
Recent Comments