I have written this post a few times…..
2014 SUCKED – hard. Listing it all out is pointless.
That’s ok. Do I have a ton of regrets? Sure. Do I have left over pain and confusion? A little.
However ~ I have an overwhelmingly strong surge of motivation and positive vibes in me!
This 40th year of my life was filled with things I’d never imagined that might cause some people to roll over and you know what – I almost did. But screw that.
Im closing out this shitastic year having recently lost approx 15 lbs.
Im currently registered for three races with at least three others on the docket. I am looking forward to a PR or two and redemption for my nasty, bloody DNF last year.
There is a thing – a challenge if you will, in the next few wks – it seems complicated but if you really spin it around, its quite simple. Its on me. Whatever happens, I wouldnt want to influence it if I could, thats not what I want. You have to know what you can control and what you cant and if you want to dig into what might be your motivation or purpose, figuring that out is for you – but don’t try to understand anyone else.
And moreover, know that you have been promised that God will grant your every heart’s desire – if you fear Him. That means if your desires are righteous and not of a sinful nature, they shall be granted. This takes trust and faith. Ref Psalm 147:11 and Matthew 6:33
Its easy to trust in a plan you understand, it’s a greater test of your strength to believe in a plan that not only doesn’t make sense, it hurts deeply.
Its ok. I got this.
I got 2015.
1 half, 2 fulls, a 50k and a 24Hr Trail. I will PR, I will BQ and I will not get hurt.
My marriage is in God’s hands, as are my children. I am blessed beyond words.
Tag: god
*Dedicated to my friend Jodi*
I was not a person of faith – it was always sort of there but not really. I didnt go to church etc and ironically I definitely went thru stages of outright bitter rejection of the very idea of God – and yet, during the most challenging times of my life – I was directly angry AT the very ‘thing’ I didnt believe in….ie I was ‘mad at God’ and yet, He didn’t exist.
I was a single mom, who just got out of the hospital, was recovering from traumatic brain injury and fighting for custody of my toddler son (that is putting a LOT of info into one short summary).
One morning I was rushing for the train. I had just dropped my son at daycare (where he would be for 10 hours) and drove an hour to get to the train. I ran down the escalator to the platform carrying all my bags and arrived just as the train pulled away.
GREAT I exclaimed!!!
‘Well maybe you missed it for a reason’, said a low, gentle voice behind me.
I turn and see a man with a smile on his face. Of all the things I don’t have time for on this bitter cold day, knowing I’d have to wait another ten minutes or so for the next train – or I could get on one that would get close to my destination then have to switch, which would be another ten minutes of walking…..my head was spinning.
I didn’t respond or smile.
‘Who is that on your coat?’ he said, pointing to a pin I had that was a picture of my son.
I told him my son’s name, he proceeded to tell me what his name means. William means, ‘God’s determined protector’, he said.
Oh joy, I thought, rolling my eyes, what I do not need today, of all days, where I’m going to be late to work AND have to cut out early so my poor son wont have to spend 12 freaking hours in daycare, and/or have to pay late fees every 15 mins that I rush back to him, is to hear ANOTHER person lecture me about this God dude who keeps letting one terrible thing after another happen to me – and yes he LOOOOOOOOOVES me. Not today old nice guy – not today buddy.
The train arrived and I got on. The guy sits next to me. Sigh. His name is Walter.
What are the chances there are two empty seats?
45 minutes later, I just heard bible verse after bible verse, but I found myself listening and believing this man was speaking words of love. I didn’t believe any of it, but I believed the man was sincere. He insisted on sharing his contact info.
Now we skip ahead to a few months later where Im in the middle of yet again another court case pending and worries of an upcoming weekend visitation where I have to let myself get into a state of concern to the point of sick. He either wont show up and all the worry was for nothing, or he will show up and as they drive away he will call me and say Im never going to see him again because theyre going to drive off a cliff or whatever he comes up with so I can spend the entire weekend wide awake crying and in terror.
‘What was it that Walter recently told me?’ I thought to myself. We’d been exchanging emails a little bit as I slowly found myself basically trying to challenge him by throwing things at him and seeing how he would respond ie Well what does the bible say about this? And, You say God loves me and yet [insert whatever is going on that seems earth shattering at that time].
I remembered he told me about SURRENDER.
He quoted 1 Peter 5:7
THIS seemed ludicrous to me. Here I am, Im down here. I cant just NOT do what I HAVE to do – I HAVE to go to work, go to court, take care of my son, pay my bills, fight this man….
No one is doing these things for me.
I literally got out of the court ordered part of rehab for my head injury and NEVER went back – I never took care of ME – I couldn’t…..
Walter insisted – 1 Peter 5:7
My next court date was coming up. My ex was NEVER going to give up. He used my son as a weapon. It was all he had left to hurt me. How could I protect my son?
I remembered a story of a guy from the bible falling on his face to surrender? I didn’t remember any of the details but then – just like that – having never read the bible or prayed – I got down on the floor, face first.
I said, God, If you are up there – take my son – take him – he is yours now – not mine. I keep saying that I know exactly what is best for him but I don’t – you do. Whatever happens at court, whatever happens every day – you are in control. I no longer even know what to ask for or try for – I surrender. Take my son, he is yours, do whatever is best for him.
I cried. I cried so hard.
The phone rang – it was very early. It was my lawyer. He never called, his staff called, what the heck?
‘He signed away his rights – its over’
WHAT. What just happened?
And this is my testimony. This is where I have to remind myself – all things, big and small – illness, tragedy, finances, and parking spaces – they are all in His hands.
Today, looking down at what is left of my knee, that I still cant bend – not knowing if I will ever run again, literally – I think to the time I don’t remember when I was told I will never walk again, and I smile. Its not in my hands.
James 4:7
Romans 12:2
Matthew 26:39
Psalm 46:10
Joshua 1:9
James 1:2-3
Isaiah 12:2
Today I admitted that Ive been holding on to an insecurity about my appearance for 25 years based on one little comment that someone made about me. If I’m being really real there was more than one comment and I really don’t know why our minds hold on so tightly to one little thing out of a million. Especially a mind like mind that doesn’t have the luxury of memories like most minds do, I just have bits and pieces.
Now I don’t know if those timidities morphed over time into a full on dysmorphic complex or whatever but I know this – I know that I work very hard and I’m far more comfortable in my skin today than I was just a few years ago (when I was technically in better shape).
I cant explain exactly how you go from one place to the other in terms of self-acceptance or confidence but I think it has a bit to do with changing priorities and valuing things differently. In my case almost losing things that are important helped shine a different light on them, so much so that I can step aside from a spotlight I had spent the better part of my life trying to position myself under.
We seek different things at different times and our focus changes. I used to put an awful lot of energy into succeeding in a way that only I could understand and maybe I set the bar just out of reach for a reason. That is totally healthy sometimes, its certainly better than being a quitter or a self-defeatist who lives in a prison of their own hatred and pain – but that’s another story for another day my friends.
Back to the point, I am not saying I lowered my standards or anything like that, but I let a bit of steam off the pressure valve so I could stop and breathe and appreciate. Some of this approval and comfort has been remarkably humbling.
I don’t have to be better than anyone else. No one else has to be wrong, ever. But I can win every day, even if I have to reevaluate what I’m shooting for 1,000 times in that day.
Shoot for the moon and have peace. One of the coolest things I have ever realized is that there isn’t a single thing that can ever frustrate me as long as I give it to God and smile and know that the more impossible it seems, the more awesome it will be to see it come to fruition if and when He is ready to do it in His own time – and for Him it will be easy.
I used to sign up for big races and spend a so much time wondering how I would do that I missed the whole experience that I should have enjoyed. Now I am less than 90 days away from attempting a feat less than one thousandth of the population even tries, and I have zero worry, and not because I’m prepared or trained, I’m just faithful that my purpose is true and that no dream is too big. What a feeling.
Recent Comments