I realize no one is reading this. I find it funny, a little, whatever that means, that Im even bothering.
I have written so much shit lately and not posted it, but Im going to post this. It will be the most private and vulnerable thing I have ever written.
As a small child I can remember telling myself not to look into the crowd at my choir concerts because he wouldn’t be there. Or my highschool graduation, or the mailbox on my birthday. But I always looked.
I had a similar feeling a few times during races. For however many hours I was out there, I would scan the crowd. I probably always will. Its just a familiar feeling. Its so devastating though. Some would say its self-torture, masochistic even. Well not really.
But enough about that.
The point is I put too much on him, expected too much and expressed too much disappointment. This is how he now defends or justifies whatever it is that he is doing to fulfill whatever he needs. He was supposed to be the one. The one who would never hurt me, even if I deserve it.
And yet I keep trying and wishing and looking.
But only in my perspective.
It was broken before we started. The feelings were and are there – at least on my side – but feelings are meaningless and worthless. They certainly cant provide a foundation for much.
And so – today I ran – 7 miles in an hour. Maybe the fastest Ive run in a long time if not ever.
Im not as happy as I should be.
When it is all said and done and I’m ready to finally admit, if I even have the chance, that my second marriage ended very much like the first – in failure – that all the things I have left don’t amount to anything.
I am in a very strange place, half ran over and dieing – and the other half sickeningly inspired to do stuff and be ok. I know that I will – but right now Im in so much pain.