I have written this post a few times…..
2014 SUCKED – hard. Listing it all out is pointless.
That’s ok. Do I have a ton of regrets? Sure. Do I have left over pain and confusion? A little.
However ~ I have an overwhelmingly strong surge of motivation and positive vibes in me!
This 40th year of my life was filled with things I’d never imagined that might cause some people to roll over and you know what – I almost did. But screw that.
Im closing out this shitastic year having recently lost approx 15 lbs.
Im currently registered for three races with at least three others on the docket. I am looking forward to a PR or two and redemption for my nasty, bloody DNF last year.
There is a thing – a challenge if you will, in the next few wks – it seems complicated but if you really spin it around, its quite simple. Its on me. Whatever happens, I wouldnt want to influence it if I could, thats not what I want. You have to know what you can control and what you cant and if you want to dig into what might be your motivation or purpose, figuring that out is for you – but don’t try to understand anyone else.
And moreover, know that you have been promised that God will grant your every heart’s desire – if you fear Him. That means if your desires are righteous and not of a sinful nature, they shall be granted. This takes trust and faith. Ref Psalm 147:11 and Matthew 6:33
Its easy to trust in a plan you understand, it’s a greater test of your strength to believe in a plan that not only doesn’t make sense, it hurts deeply.
Its ok. I got this.
I got 2015.
1 half, 2 fulls, a 50k and a 24Hr Trail. I will PR, I will BQ and I will not get hurt.
My marriage is in God’s hands, as are my children. I am blessed beyond words.
Month: December 2014
I realize no one is reading this. I find it funny, a little, whatever that means, that Im even bothering.
I have written so much shit lately and not posted it, but Im going to post this. It will be the most private and vulnerable thing I have ever written.
As a small child I can remember telling myself not to look into the crowd at my choir concerts because he wouldn’t be there. Or my highschool graduation, or the mailbox on my birthday. But I always looked.
I had a similar feeling a few times during races. For however many hours I was out there, I would scan the crowd. I probably always will. Its just a familiar feeling. Its so devastating though. Some would say its self-torture, masochistic even. Well not really.
But enough about that.
The point is I put too much on him, expected too much and expressed too much disappointment. This is how he now defends or justifies whatever it is that he is doing to fulfill whatever he needs. He was supposed to be the one. The one who would never hurt me, even if I deserve it.
And yet I keep trying and wishing and looking.
But only in my perspective.
It was broken before we started. The feelings were and are there – at least on my side – but feelings are meaningless and worthless. They certainly cant provide a foundation for much.
And so – today I ran – 7 miles in an hour. Maybe the fastest Ive run in a long time if not ever.
Im not as happy as I should be.
When it is all said and done and I’m ready to finally admit, if I even have the chance, that my second marriage ended very much like the first – in failure – that all the things I have left don’t amount to anything.
I am in a very strange place, half ran over and dieing – and the other half sickeningly inspired to do stuff and be ok. I know that I will – but right now Im in so much pain.
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