…to do less.
…to be ok.
Being a self-motivated person can certainly lead to accomplishments and success but it is also a sort of prison. No one is harder on me than me and Im unable to relax. If Im not doing many things, or trying very hard, it actually stresses me a great deal.
Brief times in my life when I had nothing I was particularly driven or passionate about, were the most depressing times Id ever known.
I come a cross, I think, sort of always in a state of upset. But really Im not. Im just not fucking around, because I don’t want to. If youre chill, and that’s your thing, good for you, that’s just not how Im wired.
Whether Im on vacation or it is the weekend or evening, I am generally not satisfied unless Im doing or about to do SOMETHING.
I have a big race coming up, the first one in a long time and maybe the only one I’ll do all year – which, by the way, Im not READY for – as I haven’t trained at all, but Im actually looking forward to it.
When Im about to leave for Vegas every summer, I get well wishes, some of them laced with sarcasm or jealous, along the lines of “Try to have fun” – but really, it’s a fuck ton of work. The work starts long before the events and goes on long after. And I do realize I don’t do nearly as much as a lot of other folks do out there – but I can only measure against myself. What did I really just accomplish? I know what I got out of it but when the bean-counters analyze the ROI, what will they think? I nearly didn’t rest or relax the whole time I was there and didn’t do the majority of the personal-to-do-list things Id meant to do with my family (that was out there with me), or take a minute of PTO.
Today is beautiful weather and I keep going through my head about housework, work-work (catching up after being on travel for a week), working out etc. I decided to just go for a walk with my dog. Stopped and looked a ponds and vineyards and flowers and trees and the sky – and let my little buddy sniff all the things.
All that to say, that’s what I did. And that’s ok.
Its ironic, if you think about it really, how hard relaxing is.
I picked up some groceries, I might get my hubs car detailed (as much for me as for him), Im catching up on reports and emails…..and I might not workout (bs you know I will) but anyways — GOT tonight and Im gonna let myself drink wine while I watch it 😀
So listen I guess the point of this is to try not to let life slip right past you. I certainly have missed out on a lot but I hope in a few weeks when Im out on the trail for 12 hours, I get some good me-time in there with my many thoughts. Maybe I’ll figure out something huge ;D
Be well friends,
~K~
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