Hiking the cliffs overlooking the pacific was a great experience. I could have done it all day but since I was on a work trip I decided to just be out there for an hour early in the morning before the conference started for the day.
Besides the amazing views which alone was enough to keep me occupied all day I loved the excitement of the adventure.
Between the training run fall when I broke my hand a couple yrs ago and the race fall that dnf’d me and mangled my knee this summer, I have a slight fear of falling now and of note, I have a touch of vertigo from tbi so falling is always a realistic probability for me.
So there I was on a terrain unfamiliar to me and knowing that if I did slip I was toast. But I kept going. I kept climbing. It was too fantastic not to explore.
I’d find spots to sit down and just wait as if my love was on his way to put his arms around me and share the experience w me but alas I knew that was impossible but what ever. I watched a young couple adore each other and cuddle close together like the rest of the world was invisible and I envied them.
But enuf of that.
The most critically dangerous moment I have no pictures of it except in my head. I was too frozen w fear to be maneuvering around for my phone. I had chosen a path that seemed like the only way to get to the highest peak. There were two steps that would require a bit of a leap. And on either side of the exact spot where my foot needed to land – say a radius of 18 inches was the whole platform – it was a drop of about a thousand feet landing on jagged cliffs. Was it going to be slippery? Would I lose balance?
I couldn’t even turn back, like literally there was no way to pivot – I was frozen. For I would guess five mins or so. I could feel tears rolling down my cheeks.
They were cold. ps California in my experience is neither sunny nor hot.
Then I just had to do it. It was the most terrifying moment of my little life. Two steps. I did it. Fuck. Did anyone see that? No.
Moving on.
I made it from one side to the other and back. Then I called my cabby that I cut an expensive deal w to come back and get me. And that’s it. I want to retire here. 😉
Amazing. #sunsetcliffs #hiking #adventure
Page 7 of 10
In less than 3 wks Im attempting to run a half marathon. This will be my first race since my dnf if June as a result of the ‘Knee Wrecking Fall’ (do not scroll all the way to the end of that post if you have a weak stomach).
Before my first @BadToTheBone ultra I fell down a mountain and broke my stupid hand. This caused me to have a fear of falling when running down hill that it took me a while to get over.
Now I am there again – running reluctantly. This knee thing sucks.
The flesh is literally not completely healed and it happened at the beginning of June. The problem is there is still debris trying to get out, and so, I still have a little yucky spot that isn’t all the way healed.
ANYWAY – I haven’t been training really. I have a 12 hour schedule for this month as well – and also a 5k where I’ll be pushing a stroller w/ a ‘Captain’. I will do the 5k but lets face it, I’m in no position to take on another ultra – I don’t even know if I’ll finish the half – and that is not something I ever thought I’d hear myself say. Regular Me can do a couple halfs per wk on a weekly basis – but yeah, I don’t know if I’ll be up for this, so I’m going into it just for fun. My PR is 2 hrs and Im hoping to around 3ish.
I haven’t been posting much or writing much because there are still so many things unresolved I have been waiting for answers before I check in.
If you remember when I was sick during my marathon in March, and thought it was salmonella – then it didn’t go away so we tested for everything from parasites, vitamin deficiency, anemia, infections, Lyme, rhabdomyolosis…..it all came back negative/normal….
But I am still sick. Im as sick at I was mid-way through that marathon.
Im having a bunch of tests done next week to include upper endoscopy, biopsies etc – we’re looking for quite a few things and as long as theyre doing this most invasive stuff…they have me doing a gluten challenge after 11 yrs of being gluten free.
THIS SUCKS
At least I know this – I know that no matter what the tests say – I know that gluten makes me feel terrible – so, I’ll be going gluten free again when this is all over.
I will continue to eat clean, lean and gluten free forever. And I’m open to keep making adjustments here and there in search of what is best for me (and my family). There is so much to think about and learn about.
Im sharing this just in case one other person has any of the same issues or ever comes across it – so I can hopefully be of some help. I’ll keep ya’ll posted. Procedures are Tues am.
I decided that regardless of having not yet accomplished all of the things I’d hoped to get done in my running career, I did a lot in a short time. If they tell me I cant run anymore, I’m going to be ok. I don’t know if I’ll listen, Im kind of an idiot like that – but maybe I will. And its going to be ok either way.
11 half marathons, 6 full marathons, 3 50ks, 2 50 Miler and a handful of smaller races in under 5 yrs can be my story if that’s whats meant to be. And Im over 700 miles already this yr – likely to finish w at least 1k for the yr, which will put me at 1k or more each yr for 5 yrs in a row 🙂
One of my tattoos is a pair of running shoes – if that signifies only 5 yrs of my life, that’s cool w me. The other one simply says: Philippians 3:12 ~ Meaning: Though I may not have yet arrive [to be who I can be or should be or was meant to be] – I press forward – never giving up.
One Step at a Time.
Be well everyone.
95% of the serotonin in our bodies is in our gut, the rest is in the brain. It’s the happy hormone.
What we may not realize is how the mind and tummy are interconnected and affect one another.
Stress can tear your belly up, I think we all know that, but do you know why? They are constantly sending chemical messages back and forth to one another about how each other feels, and they react accordingly.
I know for me and for my son, gluten makes us moody, forgetful, dizzy, dopey, ADHD, and then some.
We don’t just have terrible GI reactions, I get severe vertigo, and feel exhausted, to name a few.
I have a lot more to share about the latest chapter in my journey, especially because for all I know it can help someone – but I need to wait until I know more before I even try.
I will say that if you remember back in March when I got sick during a marathon – then a month later was still sick so got tested for salmonilla, parasites, vitamin deficiencies, lyme, rhabodmyolosys, infections etc – and it all came back normal….well Im still sick and getting sicker. So – as part of a diagnostic process, I am doing a gluten challenge – after over ten years of being gluten free.
IT IS KILLING ME.
Ive only done it for a week and I cant take it anymore. Im taking a break so I wont pass out during my conference next week, and will pick it back up when I get back in a week. No matter how it turns out I know that gluten makes me feel terrible and I wont chose to eat it.
Why does it take so long for us to figure things out that one of these days we will sit back knowing how we should have done everything but being too old and tired to do it 😉
*Dedicated to my friend Jodi*
I was not a person of faith – it was always sort of there but not really. I didnt go to church etc and ironically I definitely went thru stages of outright bitter rejection of the very idea of God – and yet, during the most challenging times of my life – I was directly angry AT the very ‘thing’ I didnt believe in….ie I was ‘mad at God’ and yet, He didn’t exist.
I was a single mom, who just got out of the hospital, was recovering from traumatic brain injury and fighting for custody of my toddler son (that is putting a LOT of info into one short summary).
One morning I was rushing for the train. I had just dropped my son at daycare (where he would be for 10 hours) and drove an hour to get to the train. I ran down the escalator to the platform carrying all my bags and arrived just as the train pulled away.
GREAT I exclaimed!!!
‘Well maybe you missed it for a reason’, said a low, gentle voice behind me.
I turn and see a man with a smile on his face. Of all the things I don’t have time for on this bitter cold day, knowing I’d have to wait another ten minutes or so for the next train – or I could get on one that would get close to my destination then have to switch, which would be another ten minutes of walking…..my head was spinning.
I didn’t respond or smile.
‘Who is that on your coat?’ he said, pointing to a pin I had that was a picture of my son.
I told him my son’s name, he proceeded to tell me what his name means. William means, ‘God’s determined protector’, he said.
Oh joy, I thought, rolling my eyes, what I do not need today, of all days, where I’m going to be late to work AND have to cut out early so my poor son wont have to spend 12 freaking hours in daycare, and/or have to pay late fees every 15 mins that I rush back to him, is to hear ANOTHER person lecture me about this God dude who keeps letting one terrible thing after another happen to me – and yes he LOOOOOOOOOVES me. Not today old nice guy – not today buddy.
The train arrived and I got on. The guy sits next to me. Sigh. His name is Walter.
What are the chances there are two empty seats?
45 minutes later, I just heard bible verse after bible verse, but I found myself listening and believing this man was speaking words of love. I didn’t believe any of it, but I believed the man was sincere. He insisted on sharing his contact info.
Now we skip ahead to a few months later where Im in the middle of yet again another court case pending and worries of an upcoming weekend visitation where I have to let myself get into a state of concern to the point of sick. He either wont show up and all the worry was for nothing, or he will show up and as they drive away he will call me and say Im never going to see him again because theyre going to drive off a cliff or whatever he comes up with so I can spend the entire weekend wide awake crying and in terror.
‘What was it that Walter recently told me?’ I thought to myself. We’d been exchanging emails a little bit as I slowly found myself basically trying to challenge him by throwing things at him and seeing how he would respond ie Well what does the bible say about this? And, You say God loves me and yet [insert whatever is going on that seems earth shattering at that time].
I remembered he told me about SURRENDER.
He quoted 1 Peter 5:7
THIS seemed ludicrous to me. Here I am, Im down here. I cant just NOT do what I HAVE to do – I HAVE to go to work, go to court, take care of my son, pay my bills, fight this man….
No one is doing these things for me.
I literally got out of the court ordered part of rehab for my head injury and NEVER went back – I never took care of ME – I couldn’t…..
Walter insisted – 1 Peter 5:7
My next court date was coming up. My ex was NEVER going to give up. He used my son as a weapon. It was all he had left to hurt me. How could I protect my son?
I remembered a story of a guy from the bible falling on his face to surrender? I didn’t remember any of the details but then – just like that – having never read the bible or prayed – I got down on the floor, face first.
I said, God, If you are up there – take my son – take him – he is yours now – not mine. I keep saying that I know exactly what is best for him but I don’t – you do. Whatever happens at court, whatever happens every day – you are in control. I no longer even know what to ask for or try for – I surrender. Take my son, he is yours, do whatever is best for him.
I cried. I cried so hard.
The phone rang – it was very early. It was my lawyer. He never called, his staff called, what the heck?
‘He signed away his rights – its over’
WHAT. What just happened?
And this is my testimony. This is where I have to remind myself – all things, big and small – illness, tragedy, finances, and parking spaces – they are all in His hands.
Today, looking down at what is left of my knee, that I still cant bend – not knowing if I will ever run again, literally – I think to the time I don’t remember when I was told I will never walk again, and I smile. Its not in my hands.
James 4:7
Romans 12:2
Matthew 26:39
Psalm 46:10
Joshua 1:9
James 1:2-3
Isaiah 12:2
I have no idea why I registered for the Diva race in Sept – impulsivity I guess. Everything about [the race] annoys me and/or does not appeal to me. I don’t want to wear a tutu or a tiara. Not that Ive never pretended to be a girly-girl, but that is not who I am and not the sort of crowd I even want to be around.
I guess if someone were doing it w me I could enjoy it w that person, but, I don’t think I will enjoy the experience. Honestly, I don’t really see myself doing any street races anymore. Something will really have to twist my arm to compel me to run a non-trail race again.
I just want to be on the trail – yes, the place where I cut my knee open – its where I am happy.
I want to be around people like the BadToTheBone and NorthFace and AthleticEquation crowds.
Theyre my kind of people.
So – I just registered for the AE 12-Hour Race in Sept (the week after the Diva that I likely wont do) *does anyone see a pattern here ie not doing Zooma the week before NF 😉
And yes, I plan to do the AE 24 Hour again next Spring.
Beyond that, I get my stitches out tomorrow – and I’m gonna fix the tires on my bike and start riding in addition to strength/core, that’s how I plan to spend my summer. See you in Sept along the Quantico River 😀
First, I am neither a scientist nor a medical professional. I will mess up terminology and my theories will be unfounded & nonsensical perhaps.
I also am not passing judgment on anyone else or suggesting what anyone else should do in any situation – as we are all individuals and each situation is unique. And for the record not only did I get a morphine drip for a second yesterday, they also tried to get me to take Percocet and wrote me an Rx for Vicodin (I didn’t take the pills and didn’t fill the script – but I did have a glass of wine when I got home).
Now that that is out of the way lets talk about me and pain medication and what not.
Some of you know that I suffered a traumatic head injury about 15 yrs ago. This has caused my natural pain-gauge to go off kilter and I find it difficult to provide accurate measurements to what I’m experiencing at times. This can be useful and a bit of a curse, depending on how you look at it.
I have a notion that I’m just going to throw out there. I don’t think pain medications work on me – at all – period. Like I am mostly immune to them, if that is a thing.
Twelve yrs ago when I was having my second son (post tbi) I don’t think the epidural worked. I ended up with some permanent numbness (in my legs) but that is the only thing I can tell you that epidural did to me. It was the only sensation I was aware of.
I usually refuse pain meds, not because I am cool or tough, I have my own reasons that are personal and about me and no one else – but yesterday they gave me a morphine drip prior to cleaning out the wound. It made my arm itch like crazy – but as soon as I realized what was going on, I unplugged the syringe that had the dope in it. I don’t know how much of it got in me – but I know it had zero affect on my leg (I did start to giggle and the room got very bright & blurry for a few mins).
THEN the doctor started shooting lidocaine directly into the open wound and under the flaps of skin. Not only did I feel every injection, I then felt EVERTHING she did to me. I watched the whole time and it was not in my head, I did not imagine it. I felt when she cut my skin off, I felt when she scraped the rocks out, I felt when she flushed and scrubbed and I felt the needle and thread going in and out. Not the nudge of it, the very stinging, burning sensation of it. I was screaming like a maniac and my poor husband said, “She doesn’t cry like that it hurts her”.
She told me to look away and that it was ‘impossible’ for me to ‘metabolize to the drugs’ [and feel the pain].
What she doesn’t know is that my brain works different. I BELIEVE that the way opiates work are by hindering or obstructing a signal in your brain that tells you youre in pain and that somewhere among what I imagine to be a spider web or highway of connections in my brain that carries those signals, there is a road block.
In the same way that I have complete numbness in some parts of my body, and an inability to experience pain at other times, narcotics just don’t work for me.
When the impact occurred many years ago, leaving my skull fractured and me in a coma, it shook things up and left the ‘synapse roadmap’ askew in my head, and for that reason, the little neurons or electrons or whatever the fuck they are, don’t make it to their intended destination.
That is my theory. So yeah, by all means, if you get a tooth extracted or strain your back or whatever and the medication does its job and provides you with relief, good, that’s what it is supposed to do but for me, it just doesn’t work – and I don’t like feeling loopy in my head, especially when it doesn’t take the pain away any how.
So please, if you made it this far in my silly little post, pray that my cut heals and does not get infected – because I don’t want them to have to open it up and reclose it. ((unless it is a lesson for me to experience the pain to be more sensitive to others who have pain))
Thank you – be well,
Luv K
I didn’t run the Zooma Half last weekend so I’d be ready & healthy for the North Face EC today. And I was ready. It started out great, I had good coffee, I got to see Dean Karnazes again and the weather was perfect.
More than half way through, I felt good and I was doing well. When I was approaching the turning point in the course, the two course workers were clapping and shouting “There she is, she’s looking great”
I assumed they were speaking about someone behind me that they knew but I didn’t do my usual smile or look back. The course looked a little different than I remembered it from 3 years ago.
After they marked my bib and sent me on my way, I turned and realized they’d been speaking to me.
I felt excited and proud. I looked at my watch and realized I was on point to finish in under 8 hours which gave me an hour of leeway and put me way under the deadline. In that moment I was elated.
I’d not run since the 50 miles a month before other than a few one mile light jogs here and there, and had been primarily just doing strength and core at home. And yet I was going to finish strong.
I waved and thanked them for cheering for me. I started to almost leap carelessly for just a bit.
Then I lost my footing on one of the most technical and rocky stretches. I had just taken off my gloves (because my hands were swelling) and I felt myself flying forward. I screamed.
Suddenly there were other runners coming towards me. One by one they started to show and stand around me. I didn’t realize how bad it was. They were looking for tissues and asking me what they could do. They moved me off to the side. The crowd was growing. I literally believed I would just wrap it up and be on my way.
I kept telling them to leave me and not mess up their times. I wish I could remember all their names and thank them.
The two guys who were cheering for me called the medical emergency staff to come get me. It took them a while to arrive, because the course was super narrow and I was clear out in the middle of no darn where.
The jeep arrived and the EMTs rinsed off my knee. I was squeezing someone’s hand off from the pain. They wrapped it up tight and said it definitely needed to be stitched but that they couldn’t stitch it because it was full of rocks and it needed to be cleaned out, and they weren’t equipped to do that in the field.
“But I want to finish, you wrapped it, I’m more than half done, let me finish, its just a couple more hours”
“You’re bleeding right through the bandages, we’ve already called an ambulance and you need to go to a hospital”
And just like that I was a DNF.
The jeep ride back was an adventure to say the least. Runners who were wearing headphones despite the rule not to, couldnt hear us beeping. The trail was barely as wide as the jeep and the drop was hundreds of feet if we were to go over the edge.
That wasn’t the scariest part of the afternoon though. After an enjoyable ambulance ride, I had to sit and wait for hours for them to clean all the rocks out of my knee.
I wont go into many more details or share the pictures that Im not sure why I took (and if youre super lucky I txt’d to you today). I sure was nervous though.
My normally low 77/52 bloodpressure spiked when they started messing w it to 115/80 (normal for some people but not me).
At this point I was squeezing Steve’s hand and watching w/ terror every poke, scrub, prod and clip. The doctor thought I should look away but I just couldn’t.
Again I wish I knew everyone’s name so I could send thank you cards. I know they were all just doing their jobs but I appreciated them all very much.
Now I have to monitor my knee closely for two wks for signs of infection, as so much flesh is gone there is only so much that could be done and it is basically a raw, seeping wound for now.
This is the part in the story where I say Everything Happens for a Reason and There’s Always a Next Time and {fill in all the similar comments} – yeah, I get it and guess what, I know and I understand and it will all be ok and I need to heal and so on – but today – Im sad – Im very sad – I keep randomly crying.
But I’ll get over it….and I’ll run again.
I wrote my oldest a note today about why working hard is important. I have lucked and good-fortuned my way through so many things in this life, and misplaced value and focus over and over. People think that I must be naturally motivated and hardworking to do ultras and I can see why that is a natural guess, but really, Im as lazy as the next person. I’m just super stubborn.
Every choice we make from workouts to meals, as well as our very moods and thoughts, are up to us. I want my kids to WANT something, be tested by it, work for it and accomplish it. No medal or praise or compliment in the world feels as good as the sensation of achievement over challenge.
Maybe I choose racing because for me it is easier to get that high than to be successful in so many of the other [more practical/important] aspects of everyday life – or the odds are more certainly in my favor. Either way, I know that as much as Maslow’s hierarchy theory makes sense, the longing that is embedded down inside of each of us was put there by God and can only be filled and satisfied by Him.
So whatever you decide to strive for – and you should, you should try – just don’t replace seeking God as your ultimate goal and desire.
Bell well
<3 K
If you didn’t read it on my facebook page, I have accessory bones and that means, excessive trauma (like an ultra) can cause sprain-like condition. This would make certain post-race injuries make more sense looking back, but it isn’t consistent as Ive done plenty of ultras and marathons w no injury.
Now that I know my ankle is neither broken nor sprained, I really want to do the rest of my races for the year. I know that I would have kept running for 7 more hours if my feet/ankles didn’t hurt so bad and I don’t know if it will happen again, particularly the half next weekend.
Honestly, even if Im all healed, my toenails are terribly bruised and falling off. Its very sore.
In all likelihood, I won’t do the Annapolis Half, but I’m very fond of North Face Endurance and want to do something there. Maybe I’ll down grade to a shorter distance.
Well lets face it. I wont be ready for another 50 Miler so soon after the last one. So I want to do either 50k or a ½. Why? Why not consider a full?
Because a full is a lot of work and a 50k isn’t that much more – so, if Im feeling like I can put the time in, Im doing a 50k, if not, I think I can do a half. I’ll have to decide soon.
Anyone want my Annapolis Half bib??
First of all, I don’t share my trials for sympathy or my accomplishments for praise. I share as part of a community that helps one another. Certainly if I were to read something like what I’m about to tell you all, I’d keep it in mind if I were to get hurt after a race.
There isn’t a ton of information online because only 2% of people have what showed up on my xray today of my foot/ankle. ‘Accessory Bones’, not one, or two, but three. And that is just my right foot. I’m sure I have it on the other side too, because this exact same thing has happened on the left.
After I ran the New Orleans marathon my left foot and ankle swelled for no reason (nothing happened). They called it a sprain and wrapped it, told me to elevate, take anti-inflammatory and ice it. This does not happen EVERY time I run, but it did happen this time again. But now it was on the right side and I told myself (and others), no need to go to Dr, I have experience w this, you get a walking cast and [all the things I already mentioned]. Which is true, especially because it is on the right, so I cant drive for six wks w a hard cast.
It has been a few days and today I happened to be in town taking care of some other things, I had a bit to kill, so, I swung into urgent care for an xray – might as well, I have insurance.
This is where they tell me I have these bones in my foot and that although usually asymptomatic, if aggravated (by excessive activity for example) it can seem like a sprain (pain and swelling) and is treated the same way.
So this is new, I’ll see a specialist – maybe, in my spare time. And we’ll see. I’m not sure why this never showed up before or no one ever noticed or told me. I guess my point is had I not gone for the xray today I wouldn’t know – I don’t know if it matters or I can do anything about it (I read it can be surgically removed but doubt I’ll do that when a week of rest and ice makes it all better) – but I’m glad I know. The foot/ankle pain is what stopped me from finishing Sat/Sun, and maybe it will prevent me similar challenges in the future (as I wasn’t tired nor did I have pain anywhere else) but at least I do know had I pushed thru it I would be ok afterwards…
In other words, should I give up something I love because of something temporary? Probably not. Dont get me wrong, I’m always open to anything – I just wont be forced into something w out good reason.
They were wrong about rhabdo and every other thing they tested me for. Maybe I was just stressed out and tired or maybe I had a random virus that mysteriously dosent show up in bloodwork. I don’t know, but neither does anyone else, so unless someone can show me come concrete and tangible thing I can understand, I’m not changing my life drastically.
One Step at a Time. Still processing.
ps I’m glad I had a friend with me today to see the xrays and hear the doctor explain it, or else I wouldnt believe it either.
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