Any runner who tells you that they dont care about their time or Its just a training run or they dont need a DNF is a fucking liar.
Honestly.
Yes my full last week was to get ready for my 50k in a couple weeks, which is right before my 24 Hour.
And yes, I’m going to switch gears from endurance to speed after that and focus on attempting to BQ in the fall.
BUT –
I care.
I care how I did and how I didnt do.
Of course Im glad I came in under 5. This is my third time running this race. I hate this race. And they keep changing the course and making it worse than it was the year before. Hills – ghettos – mudd – stupid.
There was even a point on a turn around where I just stopped and looked at the mile marker (20) and wasnt sure I was going in the right direction. It was the worst feeling.
Part of me was glad we got rained on the entire time. Its almost as if Im determined to find new ways to punish myself…I dont know. Some runners were wrapped in plastic or whatever. I had no interest in this. I gave no meaning to the word soggy. I even took my coat off midway through and just kept going. 4:45 Oh well. Its about an hour too slow for Boston, and 20 minutes slower than my PR.
I do know though, that from the minute I parked until I got back in my car, I covered over 50k in under 6 hours which brings my expectations for NorthFace to a whole new level.
Again – Im thinking I might PR.
I just ordered TailWind which I have been meaning to do forever and a half. Better late than never I guess.
So new shoes and new fuel w out training. Its almost like I’m trying to sabotage myself?
Not really.
I just want to do well.
It all amounts to nothing really. But I really do want to kill this race. This is the one that I wrecked my knee on last year.
Currently both knees are jacked up – not because of running (which is a common false assumption) but because of non-run-related occurrences — one involved a wet floor in a grocery store – anyways – my knees are so bruised and scarred its nasty. Dont look. Thank God for pantyhose. As if.
Well that is a lot or rambling for one night. One of my midgets is beside me in bed writing too. You know what they say about the apple falling from the tree and all….
I wish my boys ran. At least my dog runs. Speaking of dogs, I miss Poydras so much.
OK really this has ended 5 or 6 times already.
Spin and barre in the am tomorrow. Not sure about Thursday, other than its supposed to be nearly tropical outside, so Im likely to take a long run – then Friday my barre instructor is going to hit he trail with me.
My life is in an odd place – where I dont know where Im going or what the point is – but I feel oddly excited – sort of like that Christmas Eve feeling when you look wicked forward to the next day, but dont want the excitement to end? Sorry world for being so hard to tag down, a bit rude and honest with a touch of asshole.
And thank you world for loving me anyway…old friends and new – bonus surprise friends etc xoxoxo
~K~

Last year I had RnR DC Full, ATR24 and Northface 50k lined up back to back, to officially get #MarathonManiac status. I completed the first two, but it didnt work out with my DNF ala Knee Injury via fall at NorthFace. So, Im trying again.

Today I finished the first of the three at full #7, where I didnt PR or even make my goal, but at least I feel fine afterwards and I did a sub 5. The schedules for the ATR24 and NF50k are actually swip-swapped this year, which is ideal, because, so long as I dont fall and wreck myself, I can use the 50k as a training run for the 24, which I plan to accomplish at least 100k, if not 75 miles – rather than the 50 miles I did last year.

It rained on us the entire time today, there were tons of puddles, including mudd, and the course just gets worse and worse every year with some strategic placement of every possible hill in the city of DC, but always up, and never down…why the hell could we not have been doing in the other direction!!?

I didnt come home to a card or flowers – but I did get wine, chocolate and best of all, pizza 😉
Oh, and Epsom salt for a bath later!! (oh and he went to the grocery store for me so double win)
Even though I knew good and well he couldnt come today, as he had too much going on with the kids etc, part of me is always looking for him – its a personality flaw. I will notice family members and significant others and the efforts they go though to show their love. He has probably come to half my races, at least half of the big ones, and he has done some pretty thoughtful things to be supportive – so I cant take that away.
I also look at all the supporters, I always do and try to say thanks but today I really felt so blessed by them all, both the staff and spectators and Im thankful for them – they are the best part of the race.

I prefer a trail over a street race any day but that one piece, the cheering fans and their funny signs and things they do, is missing on the trail. In cities sometimes the residents sit on their porches with music or they serve coffee and/or beer etc – it is so cute and nice. Some of today’s highlights included, the Presidents from the National’s Stadium, a guy in bunny pjs, an amazing drumming band under a bridge (what an unmatchable sound they made), the Incredibles Guy who always has great music; and lots of great bands, and lots of clever Pi related signs today (3/14/15).

I will say in closing that all DC races suck logistically and are so enjoyable in terms of finding our car or getting out of the darn city, whether youre braving the roads or the metro, that I always tell myself I’ll never do it again – and yet, I do.

When this series is over, I will have the entire summer to switch from ultra-mode to speed-mode in hopes of closing out the year with a BQ at my final 2015 race, a full in NY in October. I’d like to be as far-reaching with my personal and spiritual goals as I am with my running-goals in hoping to be so comfortable and confident with myself that I come to a peaceful resolution in my ability to react to things that are out of my control AND make what might be a huge career change as well.

We will see…

Three weeks from today I’m running marathon #7 in the last 4.5 yrs. Four weeks later I have 50k #4 and then two weeks later I try to run at least 100k in 24hrs #2, maybe more (75 would be cool). And yet, I haven’t run longer than 10 miles since September. I have run 8-10 miles a few times, maybe once or twice a month the last few months, but really not much more than that. I do one mile with my dog, or 5k on the elliptical, but that’s all. I have been spinning a few times, for an hour at a time, pretty hard core. And Ive also done barre a few times, and really dig it. And now it is hitting me, I don’t know if I can do any of this.
I have had this kind of feeling before – but now Im just being realistic. I have been an advocate for cross training over base-mile training – but then, my track record isn’t one that really shines brightly with success. I have had injuries and different sorts of bumps along the way.
Still I am going to try all of this. The weather is definitely not cooperating to get those base miles in, and three weeks out, I cant really push it at this point anyway. Oh, and, I managed to tweak something a week or so ago in my left knee (from spinning, not running). I taped it and its ok now.
I actually did a fast 5k today and yesterday on high resistance on the elliptical and then rowed a bit. I have managed to not put back on very much of the 20 pounds I lost a few months ago (maybe 5 or so, it varies), which is helpful and encourages me.
One other barrier/challenge besides the weather is that its College Recruiting time so I am on the road quite a bit – one adventure after another – I trust Monday’s trip will be one for the storybooks, that is – if I can get out of my driveway…lots of shoveling yet to do. But anyways, I guess that is why they put gyms in hotels right – you know – just for me and my race training – right!!
Ok that’s it. If I would stop rewarding myself for my daily trips to the gym with chocolate/cheese/wine then maybe I’d lose that last couple of pounds – but, that hasn’t happened yet – so – I guess I’ll just keep on keeping on and hope for the best.
I hope to report back with some great race stories soon! Maybe even one or two PRs and a year that closes out with a big fast BQ (I just want the tattoo)!!!
Be Well All,
<3 K

I realize no one is reading this. I find it funny, a little, whatever that means, that Im even bothering.
I have written so much shit lately and not posted it, but Im going to post this. It will be the most private and vulnerable thing I have ever written.
As a small child I can remember telling myself not to look into the crowd at my choir concerts because he wouldn’t be there. Or my highschool graduation, or the mailbox on my birthday. But I always looked.
I had a similar feeling a few times during races. For however many hours I was out there, I would scan the crowd. I probably always will. Its just a familiar feeling. Its so devastating though. Some would say its self-torture, masochistic even. Well not really.
But enough about that.
The point is I put too much on him, expected too much and expressed too much disappointment. This is how he now defends or justifies whatever it is that he is doing to fulfill whatever he needs. He was supposed to be the one. The one who would never hurt me, even if I deserve it.
And yet I keep trying and wishing and looking.
But only in my perspective.
It was broken before we started. The feelings were and are there – at least on my side – but feelings are meaningless and worthless. They certainly cant provide a foundation for much.
And so – today I ran – 7 miles in an hour. Maybe the fastest Ive run in a long time if not ever.
Im not as happy as I should be.
When it is all said and done and I’m ready to finally admit, if I even have the chance, that my second marriage ended very much like the first – in failure – that all the things I have left don’t amount to anything.
I am in a very strange place, half ran over and dieing – and the other half sickeningly inspired to do stuff and be ok. I know that I will – but right now Im in so much pain.

Oct 2015 is the 5 yr anniversary of my first Marathon. Oct 2014 was the 5 yr anniversary of my first race. I remember going into that first race (Army 10 miler) having never run more than 5 miles in my life and having really not trained at all, being certain there was no way I could do it….look at my crazy ass now.
I do a minimum of 4 races per year, with at least one full and one ultra. One year I did 10 (too many), but I usually average around 5, with one or two fulls and one or two ultra. This year will be 2 fulls, 2 ultra and one half.
Closing out 2015 I will have done:
– 4 5ks
– 2 8ks
– 5 10 milers
– 12 halves
– 8 fulls,
– 4 50ks
– 2 50 milers
– hopefully my first 100k (38 races totaling 728 miles)
Still no 100 milers and likely no BQ (unless Wineglass works out – as it is a qualifier).
Point is – and someone reminded me of this, this am. My latest tattoo means “though I have not yet achieved my goals and am not who/where I should be, I press on”
I have to press on.
Good thing I have the rest of my life to achieve those goals. And that leads me to some non running type info.
The past week has been literally the hardest of my life. Probably closer to 2 wks.
Regret is a worthless emotion. I remember a younger, naive version of myself that truly said she had none of these, frankly because I’d yet to experience life. Now I have so many [regrets].
The way to process this worthless emotion is to know that spending precious time wishing for the power to do things different or better is indeed a waste given that the person who you were at the time of the mistake was less wise than the person you are now.
All the shit we go through in life can makes us bitter or better, depending on how we learn from it and process it.
I set up these race schedules every year and I’m not sure exactly why, but challenge is one of the very basic things we can crave and enjoy in life – preparing for them gives life meaning and accomplishing them is satisfying, particularly when you are rewarded or recognized for it.
In the same way, I am now faced with my greatest challenge ever. Its almost been a 15 year long endurance race. It is my marriage. It is my family. It is my life. And I refuse to fail.
God help me please. I cant do this without you. Im focusing on me: my health, my spiritual strength, mental clarity, jobs – relationships. The better me that I am the better part of any relationship I can be – and with that – I have to just trust and have no fear.

2015 – let this be the yr you do something you have never done.
I plan to save my fucking marriage. Or let him go gracefully. However I am lead and whatever is meant to be. In a faithful, loving, better, not bitter spirit.
Beauty.

Luke 1:37
Mark 10: 27
Phil 4:13

Hiking the cliffs overlooking the pacific was a great experience. I could have done it all day but since I was on a work trip I decided to just be out there for an hour early in the morning before the conference started for the day. 
Besides the amazing views which alone was enough to keep me occupied all day I loved the excitement of the adventure.
Between the training run fall when I broke my hand a couple yrs ago and the race fall that dnf’d me and mangled my knee this summer, I have a slight fear of falling now and of note, I have a touch of vertigo from tbi so falling is always a realistic probability for me.
So there I was on a terrain unfamiliar to me and knowing that if I did slip I was toast. But I kept going. I kept climbing. It was too fantastic not to explore.
I’d find spots to sit down and just wait as if my love was on his way to put his arms around me and share the experience w me but alas I knew that was impossible but what ever. I watched a young couple adore each other and cuddle close together like the rest of the world was invisible and I envied them. 
But enuf of that. 
The most critically dangerous moment I have no pictures of it except in my head. I was too frozen w fear to be maneuvering around for my phone. I had chosen a path that seemed like the only way to get to the highest peak. There were two steps that would require a bit of a leap. And on either side of the exact spot where my foot needed to land – say a radius of 18 inches was the whole platform – it was a drop of about a thousand feet landing on jagged cliffs. Was it going to be slippery? Would I lose balance?
I couldn’t even turn back, like literally there was no way to pivot – I was frozen. For I would guess five mins or so. I could feel tears rolling down my cheeks.
They were cold. ps California in my experience is neither sunny nor hot.
Then I just had to do it. It was the most terrifying moment of my little life. Two steps. I did it. Fuck. Did anyone see that? No. 
Moving on.
I made it from one side to the other and back. Then I called my cabby that I cut an expensive deal w to come back and get me. And that’s it. I want to retire here. 😉
Amazing. #sunsetcliffs #hiking #adventure