No idea who needs or wants to hear this, but take a little journey with me about this year in my life and my overall wellness.

2019 is the year I presented at ShmooCon, Derbycon and will at Toorcon, three of my most favorite conferences.  I also volunteered at a few (3) BSides, a couple podcasts and of course my biggest event  of the year, DEFCON.  And  I am very proud of all of those things, and they are a big part of who I am.  I don’t want the rest of what Im about to say to take away from that or suggest that I regret the time I put into those things.  I wouldn’t take them away.  2019 is however, the first year in 10 years I didn’t run a single race.  Not one.

To put into perspective how significant that is for me – In nine years,  from  the fall of 2009 to 2018 I ran a total of 41 races (including 13 ultra marathons, 8 fulls and  13 halves) totaling just under 900 racing miles on my feet (lost track of the training miles).

But NOT in 2019.  No races this year!

*I did ride 40 miles of gravel on my bike in the middle of being in the worst shape of my life but that’s nothing comparatively.

I’ll say in this year that I let my fitness tank for a myriad of reasons to include injury, work (commuting 2-4 hrs/day), and varied family issues, I have made strides professionally, both in learning and in accomplishments.  My team is so successful it doesn’t even seem real.

I don’t want to lose  any of [what I did for my career and community],  but I want the other part of my life back.  I want to figure out how to balance it.  For me personally, fitness is part of my mental well-being.

I used to work from home and run a minimum of 5k per day 5 days per week and a minimum of 10, usually more, once per week. I remember “hitting the trail for a few hours” every weekend. Then taking one day “off”.   I also rode my bike a ton and lifted and did HIITs a lot too.

I miss her, that version of me.

I miss comfort and sleep and strength.  I used to be diligent about my nutrition without wavering and now I feel like a lazy slob.

Work and stress and family shit will always be there – they aren’t excuses.

I have all these inspirational tattoos like Molan Labe and Hoka Hey and Philippians 3:14 on my body, but here I am, surrendered.  It’s a self-made prison and I can’t do it anymore.  I’ve seen people I care about do this to themselves and wallow about it, its practically a family tradition, and I want no more parts of it.

I don’t want to dread my own reflection anymore and feel like absolute crap.

I’m not waiting for 2020….

I’m starting today.    Was going to jump on my bike but the tires were flat, so I laced up my sneakers and ran 2 hot, hilly gravel miles.  I got a long way to go but this biatch is BACK.

 

Be well,

Love K